“IN THE MOMENT”
MY NAME IS LAUREN AND I AM AN ADDICT. TODAY I HAVE 15 DAYS CLEAN. IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS I WAS BEATING ,MYSELF UP AND SAYING THAT I ONLY HAVE A FEW DAYS CLEAN AND I WAS FEELING A LOT OF GUILT. TODAY I AM SAYING I HAVE 15 DAYS CLEAN. FIFTEEN MORE THEN I HAD.. EVERY DAY CLEAN IS A MIRACLE. I DIDN’T THINK THAT I COULD GET THIS FAR. NEVER ALONE NEVER AGAIN. I LIVE BY THAT EVERY DAY.
LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY
I KNOW THAT I HAVE PEOPLE THAT LOVE AND CARE ABOUT ME. PEOPLE THAT WILL PUT ME IN MY PLACE AND NOT BABY ME. THE SUPPORT THAT I HAVE TODAY IS AMAZING. TO KNOW THAT I’M LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY AND NOT JUDGED ON MY PAST MISTAKES, MAKES ME HAVE THIS TYPE OF FEELING THAT I CANT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS. BECAUSE WORDS CANT POSSIBLY DESCRIBE THIS FEELING.
FOCUS ON MY PROGRESS
RIGHT NOW I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT, FOCUS ON MY PROGRESS AND NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GO MINUTE BY MINUTE. THE LAST FEW DAYS I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED AND THINGS HAVE BEEN PUT IN FRONT OF ME TO TEST ME. THE WAY I DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THAT, IS MY CHOICE. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR BEING ABLE TO LOOK AT WHAT I CAN LOSE AND WHAT I HAVE GAINED FROM BECOMING CLEAN. ALL THE POSITIVE AND EVERYTHING I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT OUTWEIGHS THE NEGATIVES.
FACING PROBLEMS
TODAY I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS BY USING. BECAUSE IN MY CASE IT WILL COVER UP THE PROBLEM FOR SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME AND CAUSE ME NOT TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN, BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY THE PROBLEM IS STILL THERE. IT COMES BACK TEN FOLD. PROBLEMS DON’T GO AWAY BECAUSE I TRY TO MAKE IT GO AWAY.
A NEW WAY TO COPE
IN MY CASE RIGHT NOW I AM FINDING WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE STRESS OF MY SITUATION WITH MY SONS FATHER. BEFORE I WOULD DEAL WITH IT BY RATIONALIZING AND THROWING HARSH WORDS BACK AT HIM. I HAVE A NEW WAY TO COPE WITH THAT SITUATION. BY GIVING HIM THE POWER, I’M LETTING HIM CONTROL MY FEELINGS AND HOW I REACT AND THAT’S NOT OKAY. THAT’S LIKE SAYING “HEY I LIKE THE HURT AND I BELIEVE EVERY HURTFUL WORD YOU SAY TO ME AND I AM THAT TERRIBLE PERSON THAT YOU SPEAK ABOUT.” I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF AND SAY THAT’S NOT OKAY. I’LL NOT TAKE ANYMORE EMOTIONAL ABUSE FROM THAT ASPECT IN LIFE. I’M TAKING THE BALL BACK. THIS IS MY COURT. HE WILL EVENTUALLY GET SICK OF DRIBBLING HIS OWN BALL AND NOT MAKING IT IN THE HOOP AND IT WILL STOP. I JUST NEED TO STAY CLEAN AND SOBER IN THE MOMENT.
GOD’S WILL
I MISS MY SON TO DEATH AND IT HURTS MY HEART TO NOT BE ABLE TO BE THERE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. BUT I DO KNOW THAT IT IS GOD’S WILL AND THAT EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN IN TIME AS LONG AS I STAY ON THE RIGHT PATH.
AN INSPIRATION
TO DO BETTER I MUST ACT ON MOMENTS IN MY LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT EASES THE TENSION AND ANXIETY THAT PROBLEMS CAUSE ME. I LOVE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT THEY LOOK UP TO ME OR I AM AN INSPIRATION. IT HELPS EASE THE HOLES IN MY HEART THAT I CAUSED MYSELF. WHEN I WALK INTO A ROOM I WANT PEOPLE TO SAY I WANT WHAT SHE HAS. I WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY. I WANT TO HELP THE NEWCOMER. TODAY I HAVE 15 DAYS CLEAN AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT. ONE STEP AT A TIME.
GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICT, Lauren E