Do Your Choices Define And Make You Who You Are?

My Choices Define Me

Choices vs Assigning Blame

Do your choices define you? Do they make you who you are today? Are you making the right choices for the right reasons? Are they fear based or are they well thought? These are questions that I have all the time. How do my choices affect me today? When I first got clean, I blamed anyone and everything for my using. If you asked me why I did what I did or why I continued to use and go through the chaotic mess of using, I would blame it on a situation that happened or because this was going on in my life, etc. I wouldn’t take responsibility for my actions.

Facing The Real Truth

As the days went on I still struggled to face the real truth. It wasn’t until I started working the steps that I could become honest with myself. I remember the day like it was yesterday. ┬áThere I was sitting in a meeting and someone had said, your here because of your own choices not because of someone or something else. I took that in and looked at myself. That’s when I came to the realization that I didn’t make it there because of what someone did to me.

Rationalization And Justification

I began using drugs to fulfill some emotional void. The choice I made was to keep using, and spinning in complete chaos.  Therefore making the choices to steal, to lie, to cheat, to screw over everyone in my life that cared about me. Then I made the choice to accept help, and then push them away because it was uncomfortable. The only thing I counted on for comfort was my drugs. I was a big one for the blame game, and would never take responsibility for my actions. And in the heat of using, the blame I would put on others made me feel better about myself. Kinda like I deserve to use because of all the things that have happened to me, or the stress that was brought about. Rationalization and justification was my go to.

My Choices Define Me

So today yes my choices define me, when I make the right choices. Does the past define me? No. Am I that person anymore. Absolutely not. Am I making the right choices for the right reasons? Yes I am. Today I know that if I start to justify why something may be right, then it probably is not the right choice. I’m not perfect. Do I still make some choices out of fear? Probably. And that is something I am working on . Was it a choice to continue in the grip of disaster? Yes, it was a choice. But I will not let it define me. I grow from my bad choices and learn from them.

The Choice Of Gratitude

Today I choose to be happy, to live my life in recovery, and to allow my comfort to be in the rooms of NA. All the choices I have made, good or bad, have gotten me to where I am today. I celebrate one year clean with my support group today, and I choose to be grateful for the good the bad and the ugly. Happiness looks great on me and I choose to seek that and stay clean just for today.

Grateful recovering addict, Lauren

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