Fresh From Detox

Fresh Out Of Detox

Here I sit fresh from detox once again. I swear this seems to be the story of my life @ least for the past 11 yrs. For some reason I just could not get this shit right being “sober” that is. Honestly I’ve been getting high since I was 14 years old so-20 years. I’ve also felt like getting high was the norm for me and being sober was not the norm. I’ve never been able to put a couple days together let alone a week unless I was in jail or in some sort of detox or rehab. Pretty sad yeah I already know.

No Where To Go But Up

Yes I am one sick twisted person. My disease some how gets the best of me every freaking time. I hate the fact that it has controlled me for so many years. As any addict knows its there for you when know one else is just wanting to fuck up your life over and over again. I’ve lost and damaged so much because of my disease that there is NO where to go but up from here.I know in order to repair what I have damaged in my life I must remain sober and become able to stand on my own to feet. I`m not gonna lie I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

Living A Nightmare

I’ve tried to get sober for several years now but for all the wrong reasons. Weather it be for my family, relationship,work or just not wanting to be dope sick. Every time something just did not clicked. First off I did go to meeting but I didn’t get a sponsor and I didn’t work the steps. Also my obsession to use was always there and it over powered my want to stay clean. I fell flat on my face every time, and I know the mistakes I’ve made. I mean I’ve been living this nightmare that I just cant wake up from. Literally going to detox every 6 months, its pathetic.

Grateful For Another Chance

With all that being said I’ve got 11 days clean and fresh outta detox here I am. For the first time shit finally has been working out for the best. I’ve been blessed to have the opportunity to get a bed at the Da Vinci home which I couldn’t be more grateful for. I could not be surrounded by a more positive group of chicks who all want and have the same thing i’m looking for and so desperately need in my life. I need sobriety in my life. This i know! for today my obsession to use is gone and everyday i make a conscious decision to stay clean and take the steps i need for me to remain clean. Today i am so grateful words can’t even explain. Today i have faith in my recovery.

-Sam

Service Work

Service work is a large part of my recovery, and this is where I’m at in my journey. So today I went to PR (Public Relations) sub committees then went out to breakfast with my sponsor and other members of PR. I love being apart of service because the people that do service work helped save my ass and I came back into the rooms. Now I understand the saying you can only keep what you have by giving it away. One addict helping another. I see the growth in myself this time. Service work in a twelve step program, keeps me clean.

Doing What Is Suggested And Working A Program

By doing what was suggested working the 12 steps, attending meetings regularly, sharing my experience strength and hope with other addicts, service work, going to my home group and utilizing my sponsor and support group. I’m on step 3. This past week I’ve been practicing turning my will over. Every morning when I wake up I say The 3rd step prayer. That helps me start my day.

The Positive Effects Of Working A Program

The other day my niece called me and asked me if i would go with her to the hospital. We’ve never really had a relationship but today we have a growing relationship and I can be a good Aunt. I even took her out to lunch after the hospital. That’s a gift of this program and recovery. As long as I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday and keep doing The next right thing. Just for Today I have no desire to use.

Healthy Boundaries

I’m excited to be picking up my 90 days soon. I’m so grateful for NA and this new way of life. Today recovery has given me relationships with people that are healthy. I’m learning healthy boundaries. I not only like myself but I’m starting to love myself again and I love who I’m becoming. I have so much gratitude for the life I have today and the people in it.

This past week has been a little rough because I caught this cold that’s going around. Even though I wasn’t feeling the best I still did what I had to do. I still went to work, meetings, stuck to my commitments and reached out to my support group. By doing those things I got out of myself and put my recovery first. Because if i don’t, I wouldn’t be where I am today and who I’m becoming. Trust your Struggle The best is yet to come. I am an addict. Today I have 86 days clean.

A grateful recovering addict Nikki

Jails, Institutions & Death

Jails, Institutions, and Death…

Vicious Cycle Of Depression, Anxiety and Using Drugs And Alcohol

Jails, Institutions and Death is a reality for most addicts and is more common than not. Yet, how is it, that this reality does not a keeps us from using or drinking? For many of us jails and institutions go hand in hand. We have been subdued to the vicious cycle of using to fight depression and anxiety, to, having anxiety and depression from using. So, jail, an institution, or death would be a welcomed release from the daily chaos, frustration, and disappointment in our lives.

Fear Of Being Institutionalized

Disappointment in ourselves and the people who have betrayed or turned their backs on us. For most of us, at this point, we are more afraid of living than of death. And, for many, we are so institutionalized that we don’t have the tools to live in the free world. It is safer for us, and others, for us to live in a confined and micro-managed environment.

Despair And Defeat

We saw no way out of this revolving door. If only, so and so would ___, or had they___… always placing the blame and responsibility of our actions on someone or something else. Eliminating ourselves from being the one who should make a change or step up and resolve a problem. Not that we would trust ourselves to do so, anyway. We have found ourselves in a state of total despair and have lost all hope. Our hands have been thrown up in the air and given up completely. We will never amount to to anything, or have any chance at a better life.

My Experience With Hopelessness

Speaking for myself, I had assumed that I would be this person that I despised for the rest of my life. Certain that there were no good people left out there and that I was doomed to a life of self destruction and sadness. I had nothing to offer myself, nor anyone else. How was I to ever help anyone else, when I couldn’t help myself?

The Offer Of Hope

One day… a solution was offered. A lifestyle that produced positive results and a great support system (something I had never had before). People who understood and accepted me. I started to feel the energy and strength it took to take responsibility and make changes in my life. Finally being able to look outside of myself for the answers. I found a group of spiritual people who had turned their lives around, and I wanted what they had. These people were relate-able. It was like they knew me already. They told my story and how they had overcome it.

The Gift Of Hope

They gave me the most precious gift of all…HOPE. I had hope again, and was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Through time, focusing on bettering myself, and my spirituality, I am able to live a life of contentment, outside of the confines of jails, institutions, and/or death. I am able to deal with life as it comes because I have the tools that this amazing group of people has given me to handle and accept life on life’s terms. I use what these people have given me, to not only help myself, but to help others. Who would’ve thought that I could be a productive member of society?… A true blessing…and the light at the end of the tunnel is only getting brighter 🙂

Gratefully, Nicole

Gifts Of Recovery And Hard Work

I never thought I would make it past the week. Every Day brings new gifts especially when you’re doing the right thing. I have been battling a fight with my son’s father and I went 45 days without seeing my son. This past week I got to see him and let him open his presents and spend time with him. Then on the weekend my son’s father let him stay the night with me and I never thought that would happen. It’s amazing the things we take for granted when we are in active addiction. Even more amazing is receiving these things back after putting in some hard work.

Powerless Over Others

My heart was hurting more and more everyday that I didn’t see him. He came over to stay and I got to give him my all. I enjoyed watching him laugh and play. There’s a lot of hard work to do there, but there’s only so much I can do on my end. It’s not up to me what my son’s father decides to do. I have already gained so much from being clean and have so much to be thankful for.

Opportunities, Responsibilities And Giving Back

I am studying for the test to become a shift supervisor at my work. I’m able to save money and use it wisely and I was able to spend on Christmas presents. I was just able to reconnect with my little brother and buy him and his girlfriend dinner. Ha and I didn’t talk for a couple years because I did some horrible things when I lived with him and my step-mom.

Some Time To Let Down And Enjoy My Efforts

It was great to be able to spend time with my brother and laugh and enjoy it. He came over to my house and met all the girls that I live with. I’m building a great Support Network and I know I have people that I can reach out to if I need to. I have people tell me every day how proud they are of me but most of all I’m able to look in the mirror and tell myself how proud I am of myself.

I just finished step one and I’m going to go over it with my sponsor tonight. Life is absolutely beautiful when you’re doing the right thing and today I don’t have anything to complain about. I’m better than the person I was yesterday and I’m striving to become a better person tomorrow. The Best Is Yet To Come but I’m looking forward to it. I am an addict. I have 52 days clean today.

Absolutely grateful recovering addict, Lauren

Relationships In Recovery

So today is New Year’s! I’m grateful to be starting this year off clean & serene. Last night on New Year’s Eve we all went to the NA Dance. It was so much fun! Dancing and fellow shipping. I can’t dance for shit but that’s ok. This is the third year I’ve been to the NA New Years Dance.

Family Relationships

Today I have 79 days clean, I just finished going over step 2 with my sponsor and I’m about to start step 3. My life today is really good. I have some family relationship issues that I’m dealing with but that’s okay to feel those feelings and to be hurting. My sponsor told me that my higher power is protecting me from this relationship I’m not ready for right now. Even though I want it now. That’s my instant gratification kicking in. Relationships in recovery requires trust in my higher power.

So, I trust in my higher power and my sponsor and to have faith things will fall into place when the timing is right. The relationships I do have in my life today I’m very grateful for and the people in my life today genuinely care about me and love me. I video chat with my sister and niece everyday. We are building a relationship that we have never had before. My nephew texts me everyday.

Give Myself More Credit

The girl’s in the transitional house are great. Especially the owner of the house, she is an inspiration and sees something in me I don’t see in myself. My sponsor tells me I need to give myself more credit for everything I am doing and to keep doing the next right thing. I guess that’s a character defect of mine. I’m working on it one day at a time just trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. Trust your Struggle… The best is yet to come. I am an addict.

A grateful recovering addict, Nikki