Right Or Happy?
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” I heard that in a meeting the other day and it really resonated with me. (Of course the first thing that popped into my head was “both, duh ” ….butttt first thought wrong.) My head was in the clouds, mind was racing, couldn’t really tell you what anyone in the room was saying but I heard that very loud and very clear, and it really made sense to me.
Human And Flawed
I don’t know about anyone else but I’m the kind of addict that likes to know everything and wants to be right. And as much as I may want to be right because ya know… I made it this far and do you not know who I am??? …my best thinking still got me right back to where my disease wanted me every time: alone, scared, high. I am human, I am flawed, and as much as I may yearn for perfection, logically I know it’s impossible.
Embracing Realities
I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t always have to be okay. Sometimes it’s okay to admit defeat. And lately, I have found myself embracing that (as best as I can). When I find myself upset, lonely, scared and/or unsure, I can rely on those I love and trust. That’s the beauty of this program. I’ve been able to connect with women who really truly get me, even when life doesn’t seem so pretty.
Do Something Different
Going through the good times is easy. I can be grateful for the great things that recovery has brought into my life: my family, a job, my friend, etc. But now it’s about learning to cope with the not so great times. And today I can honestly say that I am grateful that I have found the willingness to do something different. Although I may find myself repeating patterns like using.
Internalizing God’s Will
So, today I don’t need to cope the same way I always have in the past. This has become especially true since I’ve been writing on my third step, and truly trying to internalize God’s will. In doing this I have really been able to become more aware. And once I am aware I cannot unsee it. Today I am grateful for the process. I don’t always need to be right. And, if I stay spiritually fit and willing I will continue to be okay.
~Samantha