My Last High
Today I celebrate my life; my NA birthday. October 14th, 2016 was my last high. I remember sitting at this dope house, in a doorway with a needle in my arm and a pipe in my lap. As I was getting high tears rolling down my face. I wanted to die but every attempt at overdosing God always woke me up.
My First Real Prayer
I was in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous before but was just to scared to go back. Scared of the change, the unknown, the future. And of the fear the demon inside me made me into, this monster. A monster I couldn’t stand to live with myself another moment. But I knew there was another way. I just had to have the courage to do it. That night I prayed the first real prayer I’ve probably prayed my entire life. I was done! No longer did I want to be a hopeless junkie, a menace to my family anymore. What I wanted was to look in the mirror and like the reflection I see staring back at me.
October 15th 2016 I woke up and my dad came to get me. I was so sick my skin was crawling, I had the hot and cold sweats and nauseous. I was going into detox that day. First time I’ve ever gone in not on any substances. I finally surrendered! And when I did, I had clarity for the first time in a long time. Sitting in detox I was lost and didn’t know where I was going to go. NA came in that night to bring a meeting. I was laying in bed and didn’t want to get up. But knew I had to do uncomfortable things to change so I went. I got out of detox and went to a transitional house. Right away I got involved.
Get A Sponsor
I got a sponsor . This amazing woman I knew before when I was in the rooms. I wanted that serenity she had, that sparkle and life in her eyes. So the first meeting I saw her at I went up and asked her. I was scared and nervous. She told me to call her for a week and I did. That was the first time I’ve ever done that with a sponsor. She told me to get the sponsorship I.P. and write on it, so I did. After finishing each step I’ve had a spiritual experience. Also during each step and after I started to get to know myself. I started to love the person in the mirror again. There was something to be grateful for each day clean. I had been told and I heard in a meeting that a grateful addict won’t use.
Service Work Keeps Me Accountable
When I got 3 Months clean I started doing service work, and have been doing it ever since. Service work keeps me accountable to other people and to my commitments. There have been days that my accountability was the only reason I didn’t pick up.
Hard Times In Recovery
I’ve gone through plenty of hard times in recovery. My dad being in and out of the hospital. His health hasn’t been the best. I’ve had my own health issues too. But today, I care and I love myself. So I go to the doctors and take care of myself.
Powerless Over Others
I’ve been through break ups in recovery. I’ve been lied to, cheated on and played. But the steps have taught me how to forgive those people, to let go of the resentments. To own up to my part and admit when I was wrong. Because today I’m not responsible for other people’s actions and behaviors . I’m completely powerless over it. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and my conscious clean.
Asking God To Remove Character Defects
I get why they suggest staying out of a relationship your first year. You’re getting to know yourself and love your self. I caused a lot of unnecessary pain and I hurt the people I was with. Because of the good addict I am, I got in more than one relationship. Looking to fill a void and acting out on defects. But today I’m aware of my patterns. I know what my defects are today. And all I have to do is pray, ask my higher power to remove them and in gods time he will.
Just For Today
I have trust and faith today, and a relationship with my higher power. Working on the 11th step is making my relationship with my higher power stronger. I’ve learned how to stay in today, and try not to project into the future and obsess about it. I understand what the saying Just for Today really means. I use Just for today with everything in my life today. That’s all we’ve got, just a day at a time.
Support In Relationships
My family is back in my life today they trust me and I have relationships with them. I have a few close friends I know I can tell anything to and not feel judged in anyway and they will be honest with me and they support me no matter what. That’s why they say get a support group because those people will lift you up when you’re feeling low and jump in excitement with you through the good times.
Mental And Spiritual Changes
I have a great job which I’m working on turning into a career. So, I signed up to go back to school and that’s something I never thought would happen. Recovery has given me a second chance to follow my dreams. I have my license back and just got a brand new car. I’ve never owned a brand new car in my life. The material things are the gifts of recovery. But it’s the changes in myself mentally and spiritually that matter to me. The relationships I have today with god, my family and my support group.
Vigilant In My Recovery
There are times I don’t see how much I’ve grown because I can be my own worst enemy. When I look back, I’ve come a long way and I refuse to go back to that hell of a life. I stay vigilant in my recovery, go to meetings, continue in service work, in self love, help the newcomers and practice the spiritual principles in my daily affairs. No, I don’t work a perfect program. I’m human and I’m going to make mistakes. And, that’s okay because the only thing I’ve done perfect this past 18 months was not pick up no matter what.
I Choose To Live My Life
I’m so grateful for the program and my life today. I choose to live my life full of happiness and peace. I choose recovery! It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Because everyday clean, no matter what happens in that day, is a successful day. There’s hope today and the lie is dead because we do recover! Don’t give up no matter what, because if this addict can get clean, so can you. My name is Nikki and I’m an addict. Today I have 18 Months clean and serene.
A grateful recovering addict, Nikki