Triggers

My name is Lauren and I am an addict. I have been clean for 5 months yesterday. The last five months have been an interesting Journey for me. Just about every way I feel like my higher power has tested me. From seeing old dealers to being around people that are under the influence. But today it’s the way that I go about dealing with those triggers. Without this program I wouldn’t the have the tools to be able to use to deal with situations.

In the beginning of getting clean again I didn’t have any desire to use.  I really wasn’t being triggered by anything. And that really worried me. One would think in the beginning the obsession to use would be triggered by just about anything. The last couple weeks have been the biggest test for me. I’ve ran into my old dealers a couple times on the bus and in public places like Walmart. Fortunately the thought really never crossed my mind about wanting to use or even being curious about if they were still selling.

But recently we had a few people in our house relapse and that’s where the triggers came.  So I came to the conclusion that my biggest trigger is just knowing that it’s available. Even seeing them high didn’t make me want to use. But when one of the girls told me that she had the drugs with her the first thought that crossed my mind was what happens if I were to do just one. And that was without any thought at all. That was a big eye opener and that my disease is still there strong. It’s there waiting for the temptation to give it. Luckily today I work a program and I was able to use the tools that I have been given to call my sponsor and reach out.

As the days went on, the miserable look in these girls eyes reminded me of where I came from.  Furthermore where I never want to go back to. A big reminder that if I don’t continue to work the program and reach out that I can also go back to that miserable State of Mind. My heart aches when I see somebody still going through the depths of hell in addiction.  The knowing that there’s nothing I can say or do to help these people if they don’t want it. They can save themselves from drowning if they just stand up.

Today I am blessed!  Without the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, the 12 steps, my sponsor and my support group I would not be where I am. To have the tools to be able to cope with those triggers. Life is a journey and I’m grateful for the reminders of where I came from.  And especially where I never want to go back to.

Grateful recovering addict Lauren