Addiction Equals Loss
We lose a lot when we are in active addiction. Speaking for myself, I lost a relationship with my son, lost my husband and home, pets, lost relationships with family and friends, lost employment, and lost tangibles. However, we lose a lot more just within ourselves, at least I know I did. My self esteem, self worth, self respect, integrity, reliability, trust. The list goes on and on. This blog though, is about receiving a blessing of Trust from someone very dear to me.
Burning Away Their Hope
When I was actively using, I was not a dependable person in any positive way. The only thing anyone could really depend on was my picking up the bottle again and continuing to burn away any hope those who loved me had. Can I blame them? For over 3 years my addiction is all anyone noticed.
Opportunity to Focus
Almost two years ago, I came into the Da Vinci Home, and was given the opportunity to focus on myself and my recovery. Did I do it perfectly? Of course not! There have been relapses in that time, but when they happened I would change something. Obviously relapse happens because we are not being honest, holding reservations, or even simply not working our recovery program.
Relapse and Change
About six months ago I re-surrendered to the Narcotics Anonymous program. There was a different level of support with the fellowship in the town I live, and it attracted me to want to be a part of what “they” had. I am blessed with my sponsor I have today and the relationship we are building. She is an amazing woman with a beautiful soul. There many relationships I have been blessed with today, but I want to share about one in particular.
Grieving Loss
This friendship is like something I have never had before with a woman. The closest comparison would be my lost marriage due to my alcoholism and promises not kept. My ex husband was my best friend, and we did everything together. It was the kind of marriage others couldn’t grasp and even envied. When I was grieving the loss of my marriage I remember praying to have that back, that type of relationship.
Have Faith
My best friend is the owner and operator of Da Vinci Home, Angelique. Over the past two years a friendship naturally bloomed. She has been like a sister to me, a sister I never had. I’ve have trusted her advice and suggestions throughout my time here. Even when those suggestions told me to quit a job because it was compromising my recovery; to have faith that the Universe would provide, so long as I kept doing the right things.
Live In Gratitude
In December I got complacent with my restrictions of community control, and I deviate from my schedule. This resulted in a violation of probation that carried a sentence of 3 months. Those three months allowed me to make peace with what happened, due to my own actions, and have faith that everything would be alright. It was a lesson that I needed to be present, live in gratitude, and that my freedom will come at the appropriate time.
Blessed With Trust
When I came home three weeks ago Angie told me she wanted to talk to me about something before I rushed out to find a job. This is where the Universe blessed me with what I thought I had lost forever. The conversation started off with her sharing with positive attributes she sees in me, how she values our friendship, and how much she loves me. She presented me with an offer to work together, to start a business together. An offer truly beyond words. My blessing came during this conversation, when Angie told me she trusted me. To hear her repeat the words “Lissi, I trust you” was just WOW Experience! I haven’t gained or earned trust in over three years, I had only lost trust.
Lost and Found
See, while in active addiction I deluded myself into thinking I was still a person of integrity and absolutely wasn’t. The beautiful part is the Universe has returned to me what I prayed on and thought I had lost forever. I’m able to live, work and share my life with my best friend again. No, it is not with a man. This friendship is even more special because of not being complicated with sex. It is just a positive, pure, natural, healthy relationship with a best friend, a sister, who I love dearly.
The Universe Provides
My getting honest, surrendering and accepting my addiction has allowed me to have her in my life. And not just with Angie, as I have been able to build other healthy relationships today because of being in recovery. My life will continue to be blessed as I continue moving forward and doing the right things. The Universe always provides us with what we need at the right time. And I was provided a gift in the form of a beautiful friend named Angelique.
~Lissi