Breathalyzer Tests And Consequences

Breathalyzer tests provided results, in my past, that forced negative consequences.  However, thanks to my recovery today, they provide positive consequences.  I got a new job today!  I am very excited but scared at the same time.  Will I meet their expectations? Am I good enough?  Following the phone call offering me the job these questions were my first thoughts.  The reason behind this is basically what brought me to my knees.   I was an elementary school teacher for fifteen years and loved my job, well most days anyway.  When my marriage of 20 years began to crumble I drank my feelings away as well as my job.

Not in a million years would I have thought that I would drink while teaching, but I did.  I would not leave the house with out a bottle in my bag.  If for some reason I ran out I would sneak out on my break and go to the liquor store which was right down the street.  In the classroom I would drink all day, and I don’t know how I got away with it for so long.  I even had random breathalyzer tests due to a past incident and I always passed, I was very lucky.  Anyway, I would put my vodka in a water bottle and no one would  be the wiser.  At times I would just pour it in a Styrofoam cup and drink it straight with a chaser of water.  Eventually I was caught for drinking at work.  It couldn’t last forever.

I think that was the worst day of my life, but I really don’t know because I was so numb from the vodka.  I was not feeling at all. (mission accomplished).  I remember the day clearly however.  My principal came into the classroom to deliver some flyers and as I took them from him I said something to him which he asked me to repeat several times.  After the dismissal bell a woman with some type of badge was in his office waiting for me.  She was going to drive me to the clinic to get a breathalyzer test.

I should have been scared to death and shaking.   Instead I got in the car and acted as if it was no big deal.  Again I was numb.  Of course I failed the breathalyzer test, and she drove me home.  I was not allowed to return to school property.   Not even to get my car (which I should not be driving anyway).  I realized how and why I was “found out” when I got clean and sober.  Once inside the empty house I remember leaning on the kitchen counter, my head in my hands trying to grasp what had just happened.

Who would I tell first?  What would they say?  Needless to say I drank away any of the feelings that I had that evening. The next day I faced my fate, intoxicated of course.   As a result of my failed breathalyzer my consequences were to lose my privilege to teach in that county, I had to resign.

This loss was insurmountable, as my daughter attended the school, what would this do to her? Not only that, but my reputation as a successful teacher and the irreplaceable friendships I had gained over the years.  This was a lot to have to take in.  I thought I was ok because I was numb.   Sitting in the administration building, in the office of the ethics chair the next day, signing that paper, I reeked of alcohol, again numb.  At this point I was honestly not devastated by the events.   The devastation comes later.  All I knew was that now work would not get in the way of my drinking.

Today work is one of the things in my life that keeps me from drinking.  So when I got this new job, it triggered some buried emotions and insecurities linked to my past.  However, I have learned through recovery to take it one day at a time and not to stress.  Today I know worrying will not help anything.  I put such expectations on myself that are not only ridicilus but unobtainable. Maybe because in the past I was a failure with employment.  When I look back I see my mistakes instead of my accomplishments.  I should be looking at this new job and feeling proud of myself.

This is where my recovery comes in to play.  This is where I need to apply what I hear in the rooms.  Through recovery I have learned that I AM worthy.  I wake up today knowing there are people counting on me instead of hating the fact that I had to face another day. This especially applies to my daughter.  In addiction I used to hate waking up, now I look forward to a new day.  A new job.  Another gift of recovery.  I am turning my thoughts in a positive direction.  And It feels good!  Today I learned I have things to live for.   And truth be told the possibilities my future holds is very exciting.   Reminders to myself to keep moving forward.

~Becky