A Friend Remembered
I remember my childhood friend, as I only had one. Her name was Jean, and she could make me laugh so hard I would cry. It was not every day that would happen. But when it did I felt at ease with another person. It was like I had a special quality about me. Something that my friend Jean liked. I always wondered why she could make me laugh and others could not.
Far And Few Fun Times
As the years passed I would never know that feeling again . At some point in my life things changed for me. People in my eyes were not to be trusted, and so fun times were far and few between. My life was about me and only me.
Incapable Of Being A Friend
My addiction stayed the same way, and was my only relationship. The one friend I had in life, Jean, was never replaced. Yes, of course I knew people. But as far as a true friend, I had no one. However, I was incapable of being a friend. And sometimes I would wonder why, why couldn’t I?
Accepting I Had A BIG Problem
It seemed to me other alcoholics had friends. They would even be the types of friends to offer support if someone was in trouble. Supportive in perhaps bonding them out of jail when they get a DUI . I mean it should not of been so hard to even find a drinking buddy, but it was. After a while, when people tell me all the mean things I had said the night before, I did know I had a big problem with alcohol. But in no way was I willing to deal with it. And so I could live with out your friendship.
Today I laughed really hard, with a person I don’t really even like or trust. And you know what? It was not about all of that. It was just being in the moment. That moment of being silly and letting my self feel happiness and unity. It was like that feeling I had with my friend Jean. And it was truly a fun laugh. With all my brokenness I let my guard down. Even if only for a few minutes it was absolutely worth it . I miss those days! Life is short, and I need to take some risks in my recovery. Risks to let me guard down so that I can laugh. And yes, even if it’s only for a few minutes, one day at a time!
~anonymous