Broken, Battered and Bruised

When I arrived to Da Vinci broken, I was battered and soul bruised. My life post relapse has been a process of waiting for the dust to settle from the whirlwind of chaos that I have created. When one makes the decision to gain sobriety, the evidence of destruction comes into focus with clear and exact precision. The excuses and justifications for using drugs or alcohol have instead become the very fuel that fires my motivation to stay clean and sober.

Dealing with the multitude of raw emotions as of late has been a challenge indeed. Prior to sobriety, when painful emotions surfaced, I could not or shall I say that I would not “sit” in the emotion. The emotions of being broken, battered and bruised were akin to uncomfortable and tight clothing that I wanted to immediately shed, never to wear again. I could not allow the natural course of the emotion to take place.  The desire to blunt the feelings with one substance or another was overwhelming.

Dealing with life on life’s terms seemed unfathomable to me, an impossible task if you will. In sobriety, I am slowly learning to sit with the feelings.  Even as I chant “this too shall pass”, to convince myself that perhaps it will pass. I realize that using substances certainly never made anything better.  In fact, it compounded my perceived problem with heavy interest. Feelings are not facts, so the saying goes.  With time I hope the feelings of failure as a woman, a mother, and a human being will pass and recede like the tide upon shore.  Today, I am learning to ride the waves of my life, choppy waters and all.  Something I have not been able to do in adulthood.

As I have begun this journey into recovery, I have attempted to make sense of the Higher Power concept.  A concept spoken frequently upon in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. My concept of God thus far has been largely religious, versus a spiritual concept.  In childhood I was taught that God was an untouchable, omnipotent being and I was unworthy of a direct audience.

In the rooms I have been listening and have heard a different take on the Higher Power concept, however you may refer to that Power.  It is said that the Higher Power can be of ones own choosing.  Therefore one may create the attributes the Higher Power may have. I have begun to redefine my concept of God. Perhaps God is not the old testament wrathful being that reflected poorly upon a lowly being such as myself. Maybe, just maybe I can commune with “God”, or in other words- communicate with the universally good force within my reality.  That force could then in turn guide my life. I am open to the idea of this possibility.

I have gone through my life sans direct personal contact with a power greater than myself, or a support group of a more terrestrial nature. As new as it is for me to reach out to others, I know there is great value in doing so in efforts to lay a foundation of recovery. I can not recover alone. I have tried previously and failed miserably. As far as direction from a Higher Power goes, I continue to “pray” or directly communicate with such a force.  At times feverishly so. If this force is universally good and loving in nature, then should I make the next right decision.  Then I may be more open to receive guidance. I will remain open, willing, and most of all, I will try to listen.

~CB