Back to Recovery
When I came back to recovery I swore to myself up and down that I was not going to get involved with anyone. (LOL, right?) I was so good focused solely on my recovery for a while, well really like a couple of months but lets be honest that can feel like forever when you are first getting clean again. And then he came into my life and I was like “ummm, no” until it was a maybe and then next thing I knew I was catching feelings for this supposed friend with benefits and just as quickly as it started it was ending…
Letter To Him
To the guy I thought I wanted to be with,
I want to hate you right now, be mad, cry and lash out. To blame everything on you, rip apart everything you have said and convince myself of all the assumptions running through my mind.
There are so many things I really truly like about you, but mostly I liked the consistency. I love that you are just as needy as I am, so I knew I could count on you to be there. And, truthfully, I loved you for being a little broken. You were open and honest about where you were and what you were looking for but I was going to change that, I was going to make you fall in love.
My Truth
And that is exactly how I mind fucked myself in this moment. I know my patterns. If they’re emotionally unavailable I love them, and it has taken me a little while to realize that. Well, maybe not realize it but accept that as my truth. It is a challenge and it is a chase, not as in a flavor of the week type of thing but more like a “if I can get you to like me I must not be that bad, right?” type of thing. I will chase that in hopes of boosting my own self esteem. I want you to like me, care about me, love me, all so I can love myself. But, I knew this was not going to last, it never does.
My Insanity
And this was me really trying. I tried to put up that wall, I tried to keep you out. I did not get clean again to find a boyfriend in the first guy I make eye contact with. But, then you made me feel comfortable, cared for, special. And that was the moment I knew I was screwed. I am mad at myself for letting you in. Knowing that it was going to end like this and doing it anyway, that truly is insanity. I didn’t think it was going to be different than any other time but I was doing it anyway. I distinctly remember sitting next to you in the car and looking at you dead in the eyes and saying “Are you ready for this train wreck?”
Expectations
And as stunned as you may have wanted to be, I know in your heart of hearts you knew it, just as I did. But it was so easy to get duped, and I truly mean that in the best way possible. I mean, you’re cute, you’re smart, you’re funny, etc etc. It is all new and exciting and fun until real life sets in and then I am sitting there side swiped by my unrealistic expectations.
Love Myself
I can’t blame you for not being who I wanted you to be or what I wanted us to be. Because I mean really I can’t blame you for being you. And now its my turn to be un-apologetically me. And in order to do that I need to know me and love me. If I am ever going to love you, whoever that you winds up being, I need to love myself. And that doesn’t mean there is no pain in this. It doesn’t matter how logical I can be, this is still going to take some getting used to. I catch myself checking my phone and missing your random texts throughout the day. So for now I will be happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. *Cue the T. Swift song* But, I know that I will be okay getting focused and back to my recovery. It always stings a little bit when you first rip off that band aid but that’s when you can begin to heal.
Forever,
Me
Back to Recovery
