Category: Uncategorized

We Came to Believe

So here I am staring at my workbook and notebook, debating on picking up that pen to continue writing on my second step. “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Okay, I’ve got it cool. I do believe in a Higher Power.  Is it a clear and concise concept? No, of course not. But does believing in a Higher Power allow me to have hope? Yes.  So I don’t understand why I have been struggling with moving forward with my second step.  Yet here I am, still staring at my blank notebook.

Taking Things Into My Own Hands

Then, I take a look at my life and the choices I continue make and the actions I continue to take. Am I really believing in my higher power if I lose faith in the process? What’s the point of believing in something greater than myself without the follow through?  I’m great at staying in my lane when I feel like things are going my way. Yet, the second I get a little comfortable, I recognize it, I sit through it momentarily and then celebrate by taking things into my own hands. And, here we go again; of course the chaos, anger, stress and whatever other bullshit springs up nearly instantly.  My Higher Power doesn’t need my help.

Sam

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The Need to Surrender

Alone and Empty

Lost and Found Relationships

The Need for Honesty

Progress Not Perfection

My name is Lauren and I am an addict. I celebrated my nine months clean on January 29th. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s progress not perfection. At times I get down on myself because I feel like I should be further along then I am. It’s because I sometimes set some unrealistic goals in short periods of time.  When I don’t reach or achieve these goals in the planned time, I get discouraged.

Obtainable Goals

Lately I have been making smaller, more realistic and obtainable goals for myself. For instance, I made one goal to job search for a more secure job that appreciates what I put in as a employee.  This is a goal which I am slowly still working on. I also made the goal to pick up a service commitment outside of my home group.  I will now be speaking at the detox on February 7th.  To be able to return to detox and share my story is exciting.  To be able to possibly reach another addict and give them hope is humbling.

Vigilant in Recovery

It reminds me that I must remain vigilant in my recovery because we are all just one choice away from relapse.  Sometimes I need to take a hard look at where I was and how far I really have come in the past nine months. Today I am clean, I am able to be a mother to my kid, I am active in my recovery, I have held a job for over two years and I love myself. I am not the girl I used to be. I am a better version of myself, making progress day by day. Perfection isn’t even anything I would want to try to attain. In recovery, there’s no such thing as perfection.  It’s progress not perfection we strive for in our recovery.

Grateful recovering addict, Lauren

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Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery

I am an addict.  And, like any addict I am stubborn and want to do things my way.  However, my way and my will has gotten me nowhere except frustrated, let down, and discouraged.  Like they say in recovery, let go and let your Higher Power guide you.  Letting go also comes with taking suggestions, which is not such a bad thing.  And, that’s exactly what I have been doing.  I’m now getting a lot of things back in recovery and it feels good.  It’s giving me more confidence, and self-esteem.  Today I am being blessed with new relationships and with the opportunity to begin rebuilding the damaged relationships.

A Big First

So, I am going on a date.  Sounds simple, but this is an over night date for the first time in recovery.  I am nervous as hell!  I know why; it’s been a long time since I have had sex with someone while being completely clean and sober. I feel silly being nervous,but it’s a big step for me. This is a big first for me in recovery, and I just want it to be perfect.  Yes, although I know Perfection is not reality I just want it to go smoothly.  Most important though is I am excited to have another positive experience in recovery.

Co-parenting

I am even beginning to have an adult relationship with my ex-husband.  We are able to talk about me having visitation unsupervised with my daughter.  Just the idea of this possibility is a blessing I’ve received because of working my recovery.  I spoke with other women in recovery, and took suggestions. I backed off pressing this communication with him.  Instead of taking my will, I let things fall into place and they did!   Six months ago my daughter would barely talk to me.  Through suggestions I learned to back off and let the relationship develop naturally, instead of trying to push relationship, which is what I was doing.  And what happened was absolutely wonderful.  I was able to see my daughter get braces yesterday, because she asked me to be there.  She wanted me to be a part of this milestone in her life.

No Matter What

It is so much easier to listen, take suggestions, and to be in the present.  To allow my recovery to come first, and see what it can do for me, for my daughter; the important relationships.  It is amazing the gifts I am starting receive, the best one though is my believing in myself.  The confidence I have gained from staying in the program no matter what!

-anonymous

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Work Through Everything

My name is Lauren and I am an addict. I have been clean and sober for almost ten months. This time around I chose to do things differently. I have been in and out of the rooms for years now, and never quite understood why I kept going back out.  Especially, when I would have some time clean and things were going good for me. To do things differently, this time around I took a long hard look at what was missing. It was quite simple, Self Work. Work through everything. Feelings, and why I was feeling the way I was, in pain.  Why was I trying to mask it instead of allowing the feelings in order to start to heal.  To heal from the trauma I went I experienced in my life.  Trauma I didn’t want to talk about or even face, and especially share with others.

Fearless Moral Inventory of Myself

I needed to completely surrender to the program.  I needed to let go of my reservations.  I needed to believe and trust in a power greater then myself to help guide me in my recovery. I needed to become humble and be open to suggestions. I needed to open up and talk about what I was truly feeling, and what was going on instead of bottling it up. Right now I am working through my step four. This requires me to make a searching a fearless moral inventory of myself.  A big important part of my recovery. The part where I dig deep and face all the things I have been trying to bury for so long. The understanding of myself, and why I don’t want to feel the emotions that come with the pain I have gone through.  This is when and where I Get To work through everything!

Love Myself Again

I have made some really drastic changes in my life, and have yet to make more. But I have come so far from where I once was, and that I don’t take for granted. I remain humble, and keep reminding myself from where I came. These steps are helping me love myself again.  These steps are helping me to get to know who Lauren is, the girl I’ve tried to escape from for so long.  No more short cuts, or half attempts.  Yes, the elevator is out of service and I will be taking the steps.

Grateful addict, Lauren

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