experience, strength and hope in recovery

People Pleaser Behavior Builds Resentments

Resentments From Being A People Pleaser

I have not always been a people pleaser, but as soon as I decided to get sober that happened. My thought was that people would like me better. I found it easier to do that than to really say what I was feeling at the time. Confrontation can be tricky. Either you’re the one saying how you feel or you’re hearing the other person feelings. My problem is one of two things. I either let things slide or my temper blows up. Then I end up walking around with a resentment towards that person.

A Respected Quality

Mean what you say and say what you mean, right? Nice thought, but not that easy to do at times. If I think about it, the people I respected had that quality about them. And, I do really like to know where I stand with people. This is definitely one of my challenges I face daily.

Setting Boundaries

I am in recovery and every person deserves to be treated kindly. However, the word no sometimes needs to be said. Or maybe even, I am not willing to do that or this is unacceptable to me. You can say what you mean with out being rude, or in a kind tone of voice. It is taking me a little to get this down, without people pleasing or saying it too harsh. It’s a challenge, but with practice I should be able to change my people pleaser behavior. After all I owe it to my self to give respect and receive it.

Changing People Pleaser Behaviors

I know that having a sponsor changed the way that I look at recovery. I feel part of a group that I belong. For me, I could be standing in a crowd of people and still feel so alone. Never mind trying to handle a confrontation with out loosing my temper. The cool part that I am seeing is I am changing. I am willing to learn how to live a better way of life. As well as learning how to take suggestions even though I might not feel like it at the time. I am willing to try to change behaviors that are not healthy for me. In the end it will only make me a much happier person. No, life is not always fair. However, I am responsible for my actions and how I speak to others. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. But I can try do that in a kind way going forward.

~Anonymous

“Create” Defined My First Year

We enter recovery to change, grow and create a new healthy self. During my journey in recovery I acquired a new tool, bullet journals. I am now on year three of my bullet journals. When I start a new bullet journal, I like to start the journal with a word that will define my year. The first year I started the word was “create”. And create was what I did. My first creation was starting my own business. I created a transitional home for women recovering from addiction. This in turn created a new me. I gave my skills to my fellowship, and I expanded on that and learned how to express myself in video and photography.

“Patience” Defined My Second Year

The second year, The word I gave myself was “patience”. Because I was inspired by the previous year’s word “create”, patience became very important. The need to take care of my blessings and grow my business arrived. I felt the pressure to grow my business and relationships. And though I didn’t do patience perfectly, I did it well enough that by year three I hadn’t put myself into any commitments, financially or emotionally. I did gain stability. Now I possess more patience than I thought I could ever have. I was patient with my finances. Nor did I push relationships with my kids or the man I was seeing. The funny thing about patience is that it pays you more in heart break and finacial dividends than any other spiritual principle, but feels so uncomfortable at the time. They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. My belief is that phrase is only used when we don’t have the patience to wait and see. This year of “patience” gave me more than the year of “create.” I really should do a seperate blog about that.

My Year To “Grow”

But I will get on with the subject of this blog-year three. This year my word was “grow”. I meant that in every sense of the word. It was my desire to grow in my program and finish another set of twelve steps and do more service work. Additionally, I wanted to grow my business and open another transitional home. This time a home for men. I had recieved patience but it seemed like the world was loosing patience with my patience and I was recieving a lot of pressure to open the second house. In my personal relationships, specificly, my romantic relationship. I had practiced patience and open mindedness in the hopes that relationship would become more intimate by growing together as partners in a home, business and shared life responsibilities, AKA- commitment. My want to grow my personal friendships and learn to have more intimate friendships with the amazing women in my life. The want to grow my trust in the universe and become more vunerable because this would allow me to help more people. And, I wanted to grow my credibility with banks and persued cleaning the wreckage of my past with creditors.

Hindsight

What actually happened. And I giggle now because sometimes logic just evades me and hindsight is twenty-twenty. So you can use that phrase even when you have all the patience in the world. This blog will be long enough without adding an analogy, but I am going to use one. And its one of my own so this should be fun.

My Farm Analogy

Follow me now to a farm in Iowa, USA. I have a beautiful corn and soy farm with rolling hills and gorgeous black soil. On this farm I have created beautiful red barns for all the pigs and coops for the chikens. Patience was practiced and didn’t buy all the best irrigators or auto milk pumps for the cows, and now, though I am humble, the other farmers see me as legitimate farmer and they share their experience with me, as well as a few resources. Patience and creativity have paid off! I love my farm and I love my life! But the calling is there. I need to grow. I need to grow in a meaningful way. Not just adding more high tech equiptment to make an already easy life easier. I need to meet the communities needs. Even though I have a great routine and properly rotate my crops, I am becoming irrelevent. I discover that growing blue berries is the best way to meet my communities needs. Ok great! I add blue berries in between the rows of corn. I put up some bee hives that are needed to pollinate the blue berries around the farm. In a short while it is mayhem. The corn and soy are being choked by the blue berries and then soon afterward, my blue berries are doing terrible because they are not being pollinated correctly because the pigs disturb the hives, helping themselves to honey and the chickens are feasting on the bee larva. my farmer friends have no experince or resources to help me to fix this. They only know about corn, soy, pigs and chickens My farm has gone to shit!

Grow vs. Relinquish

Why?! Why has it all gone to shit? It has gone to shit because the farmers word in her bullet journal was “grow”. The word should have been “reliinquish”. I had already acknowledged that corn and soy were not meeting my communities needs, yet I was unable to let go of my corn and soy. My error was that I loved my farmer friends but didn’t acknowledge that on my blueberry journey, I was going to need new friends. I wanted a new way to meet the communities needs but I wasn’t willing to relinquish what I was already comfortable with.

Deeper Connections

To speak plainly and directly now, I wanted deeper connections with friends but I had friends who were not comfortable with deeper friendships, as well as I had friends who wanted to be the only deep friendship and I inadvetently kept some friends at a distance to “respect” the first friend. I also had friends that wanted me to keep relationships in compartments that were their ideals and not my own. I had my own ideals about friendships that I made as business but had developed into more but my own fears kept those friendships stunted. In some cases I already had a great relationship, but I was trying to make it fit a definition. I am talking about my sons. I have a great relationship with all three of my sons but not if I try to make it by the definition of my own “mom/son” standards. My romantic relationship, I simply had to relinquish. I was not making him happy. I had to relinquish the idea that there was something wrong with him because he didn’t appreciate the awesomness that was me. Rejection sucks. I also had to relinquish the idea that I could make him happy and still be happy myself. Believe it or not that took five years and a lot of very dramatic, chaotic, emotional hell, to relinquish. But I would definetly have chaos if I did like the blueberries and tried to keep the corn too. Thats a dark joke. In all seriousness, we have to let each other go in order to grow a new relationship.

Surrender To Win

They say it all the time. “They” as in the old timers in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. “You have to surrender to win.” In order to grow I had to let go of a mega shit ton.

My romantic relationship was going nowhere, fast. I quickly accepting that the priority this relationship had was not in alignment with what it deserved. He wanted me to make it a priority but he didn’t want any commitment other than to have fun together. Fair enough we are both approaching our 50’s, keeping it light was alright with me, but then I have a business as well as friends, children and my own recovery, the “lighter side” relationship, was indeed last in my priorities. Resentment was building from the he time he consumed. Resentful of a relationship that would not go deeper. And those frustrations were distractions from my goals to grow. The decision was made to surrender and relinquish that relationship. Relief was received as an instant reward from the universe.
The Men”s House was something I still wanted. And, I will open a men’s house but for now the universe had other ideas. Through Da Vinci Home I hosted a grand opening event with a firewalk! I made plans with a local apartment complex to rent a very large apartment. Patiently I waited while they made upgrades on the units. The day I was to sign the lease, I was informed that the complex was going through some legal issues and I could no longer rent from them. So began the whole process of finding the right location again. Once again I surrendered and relinquished that plan for now.
The idea that I could do everything all by myself had to be relinquished. I was attempting to run my own online magazine, with all the content and media it required. Yes it is this blog site you are reading now. From the very first day, I knew Da Vinci was going to open, I knew that I would not waste a precious moment of all the experience I would gain. As well as somehow share all the experience the women who came through Da Vinci had to share. Helping women get recovery was my first priority, because every addict saved is another addict to spread the message. My second priority was always to spread the message of recovery using digital media. This positive world of recovery is so rarely shared. We hear so much in the news of what addicts do wrong, but not of the incredible justice served to a community that encourages strong recovery. But I couldn’t any longer do it alone. Combined with mentoring the women of Da Vinci and trying to keep up with all the new content, I was not getting anywhere alone. I needed help.
This one is the most important of all four. I had to surrender that a relationship that I had with my very first client had grown beyond professional. She had become my dear friend. No, she also wasn’t the most model client. But Lissi and I connected. And a friendship with the rarest of bonds was formed.

Looking For Growth

Lissi and I have had triumphs and set backs in the almost 2 years we have been friends. It didn’t happen all at once and it kinda did. But over those two years we have both been there for each other and we have both let each other down. In recovery, you learn to take your own part in things, so that is the part of this story I will stick to. Besides it is in taking your part in things that growth happens and I am in the end of this looking for growth.

Regrets And Resentments

In my attempts to keep my relationship purely professional, I listened to other clients when they accused me of “liking her better”. I can’t really tell you in truth if that is true. Yes, I enjoyed her company and her humor for sure. I reside at Da Vinci and know ALL of my clients well. And, I am proud to say that all of my clients enjoy living and growing at Da Vinci. I know that she had no more or no less consequences than other clients. Further I know I had not done her any more favors than I had for any other clients. Therefore when the women I cared about felt neglected, I spent many months pushing Lissi away. Moreover I was harder on her for house infractions. That is a regret now. It must have made her feel very lonely to loose my companionship and only have companionship that had resentments. No worries, in the end she persevered, but not due to me being a good friend during those times.

A Friend’s Violation

There came a day when Lissi violated the terms of her community control. What a horrible day that was! And despite the fact that I had pushed her away, another resident had maliciously told her probation officer, I favored her and was enabling her to violate her probation. This was not true. So now our friendship was causing her harm. That sucked! She was in jail for 84 days.

Deserving Of Friendship

During that time, I talked with the girls at Da Vinci. Every Tuesday we have a house meeting. The house was divided with mixed reviews about what happened. There was no doubt about if she was coming home but some had their concerns. Lissi does indeed possess a strong personality. I assured everyone that jail was not going to take that away. But it was my son who privately told me that I deserve a friendship, and that Lissi coming back to Da Vinci not as my client but as my friend was alright. That I should clearly stop containing a client relationship and allow our friendship to grow. I never was responsible for Lissi’s recovery anyway. I was responsible for Da Vinci. To provide a safe place, free of drugs and chaos. It was important to maintain a home with an environment and culture of recovery, introduce them to a 12 step program and fellowship, as well as give them opportunities with other resources to learn they never have to use again. More it was a home to get a job and be comfortable enough to become independent, uncomfortable enough that they would want to grow. Thirteen women easily supplies the uncomfortableness.

Friendship Keeps Growing

Lissi was released from jail. And yes, she needed my friendship. But time would tell that I needed her friendship as much. By relinquishing the old bonds of our relationship, I was able to help Lissi more than ever, but more it allowed her to return that friendship, as she had always wanted too. My online magazine is getting even better attention than needed! I also started my own social media company! It’s not the men’s house yet, but was given this by the universe and hopefully will be able to help and hire more addicts into this industry. She is relentless in her pursuit of making Da Vinci Productions grow. The business growth could not have been accomplished on my own. I am grateful for her help, her encouragement, her humor, her company and her friendship.

Grow As A Mentor

I have made some sacrifices and she has as well. We share a bedroom like all the other residents do. That means she sleeps with a pig. Unlike the rest of the residents. I relinquished some of my personal space, but she has provided comfort during the time I have lost a romantic relationship. By relinquishing the old relationship, it has allowed her to help me with my other plans to grow. I have gained so much more motivation. By relinquishing some of my tasks I am no longer overwhelmed. And the biggest gift of all? Is that giving up the old ideas and sharing my burdens with a dear and trusted friend, I am much better as a mentor. I am indeed more free to spend time with the other women of Da Vinci. Truly I am blessed with a house full of wonderful women with outstanding recovery. My decision to let go and let in a friend and now I am so much more able to be there for all these incredible women, that have now become even more dear to me.

Angie H

Right Or Happy?

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” I heard that in a meeting the other day and it really resonated with me. (Of course the first thing that popped into my head was “both, duh ” ….butttt first thought wrong.) My head was in the clouds, mind was racing, couldn’t really tell you what anyone in the room was saying but I heard that very loud and very clear, and it really made sense to me.

Human And Flawed

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m the kind of addict that likes to know everything and wants to be right. And as much as I may want to be right because ya know… I made it this far and do you not know who I am??? …my best thinking still got me right back to where my disease wanted me every time: alone, scared, high. I am human, I am flawed, and as much as I may yearn for perfection, logically I know it’s impossible.

Embracing Realities

I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t always have to be okay. Sometimes it’s okay to admit defeat. And lately, I have found myself embracing that (as best as I can). When I find myself upset, lonely, scared and/or unsure, I can rely on those I love and trust. That’s the beauty of this program. I’ve been able to connect with women who really truly get me, even when life doesn’t seem so pretty.

Do Something Different

Going through the good times is easy. I can be grateful for the great things that recovery has brought into my life: my family, a job, my friend, etc. But now it’s about learning to cope with the not so great times. And today I can honestly say that I am grateful that I have found the willingness to do something different. Although I may find myself repeating patterns like using.

Internalizing God’s Will

So, today I don’t need to cope the same way I always have in the past. This has become especially true since I’ve been writing on my third step, and truly trying to internalize God’s will. In doing this I have really been able to become more aware. And once I am aware I cannot unsee it. Today I am grateful for the process. I don’t always need to be right. And, if I stay spiritually fit and willing I will continue to be okay.

~Samantha

SaveSave

Breathalyzer Tests And Consequences

A New Job And Mixed Emotions

Breathalyzer tests provided results, in my past, that forced negative consequences. However, thanks to my recovery today, they provide positive consequences. I got a new job today! I am very excited but scared at the same time. Will I meet their expectations? Am I good enough? Following the phone call offering me the job these questions were my first thoughts. The reason behind this is basically what brought me to my knees. I was an elementary school teacher for fifteen years and loved my job, well most days anyway. When my marriage of 20 years began to crumble I drank my feelings away as well as my job.

Breathalyzer And Consequences

Not in a million years would I have thought that I would drink while teaching, but I did. I would not leave the house with out a bottle in my bag. If for some reason I ran out I would sneak out on my break and go to the liquor store which was right down the street. In the classroom I would drink all day, and I don’t know how I got away with it for so long. I even had random breathalyzer tests due to a past incident and I always passed, I was very lucky. Anyway, I would put my vodka in a water bottle and no one would be the wiser. At times I would just pour it in a Styrofoam cup and drink it straight with a chaser of water. Eventually I was caught for drinking at work. It couldn’t last forever.

Worst Day Of My Life

I think that was the worst day of my life, but I really don’t know because I was so numb from the vodka. I was not feeling at all. (mission accomplished). I remember the day clearly however. My principal came into the classroom to deliver some flyers and as I took them from him I said something to him which he asked me to repeat several times. After the dismissal bell a woman with some type of badge was in his office waiting for me. She was going to drive me to the clinic to get a breathalyzer test.

Numb And Unable To Grasp

I should have been scared to death and shaking. Instead I got in the car and acted as if it was no big deal. Again I was numb. Of course I failed the breathalyzer test, and she drove me home. I was not allowed to return to school property. Not even to get my car (which I should not be driving anyway). I realized how and why I was “found out” when I got clean and sober. Once inside the empty house I remember leaning on the kitchen counter, my head in my hands trying to grasp what had just happened.

Loss Of Privilege

Who would I tell first? What would they say? Needless to say I drank away any of the feelings that I had that evening. The next day I faced my fate, intoxicated of course. As a result of my failed breathalyzer my consequences were to lose my privilege to teach in that county, I had to resign.

Insurmountable Loss

This loss was insurmountable, as my daughter attended the school, what would this do to her? Not only that, but my reputation as a successful teacher and the irreplaceable friendships I had gained over the years. This was a lot to have to take in. I thought I was ok because I was numb. Sitting in the administration building, in the office of the ethics chair the next day, signing that paper, I reeked of alcohol, again numb. At this point I was honestly not devastated by the events. The devastation comes later. All I knew was that now work would not get in the way of my drinking.

Recovery Changes Perspective

Today work is one of the things in my life that keeps me from drinking. So when I got this new job, it triggered some buried emotions and insecurities linked to my past. However, I have learned through recovery to take it one day at a time and not to stress. Today I know worrying will not help anything. I put such expectations on myself that are not only ridicilus but unobtainable. Maybe because in the past I was a failure with employment. When I look back I see my mistakes instead of my accomplishments. I should be looking at this new job and feeling proud of myself.

Call To Action With Recovery

This is where my recovery comes in to play. This is where I need to apply what I hear in the rooms. Through recovery I have learned that I AM worthy. I wake up today knowing there are people counting on me instead of hating the fact that I had to face another day. This especially applies to my daughter. In addiction I used to hate waking up, now I look forward to a new day. A new job. Another gift of recovery. I am turning my thoughts in a positive direction. And It feels good! Today I learned I have things to live for. And truth be told the possibilities my future holds is very exciting. Reminders to myself to keep moving forward.

~Becky

A Long Time Struggle

Hope and gratitude is what my life is full of today. But, for the longest time I struggled with my addiction. My life had been falling apart for some time, destroying everyone I loved along with myself. I wanted my life back. My mistake was that I thought I could do it on my own. My entire life I was able to accomplish anything I put my mind to.

Dreadful Decisions Continue

For now, let’s just put aside the fact that no, I couldn’t do it alone. Rather, for the purpose of this blog I want to focus on something else. And, that quite frankly is that I lived in the problem. During this period of approximately two years I was not working and was primarily home alone. All the time continuously running through my head all the mistakes I made, as well as continuing these dreadful decisions.

Disuniting Myself

I was ashamed because of a job I lost after almost four years. It was though my entire identity was wrapped up in that position. Nor was I being honest with myself or my now ex-husband about anything that was going on with me. I was disuniting myself from my husband/best friend, my son, family and friends. The whole time beating myself up because I couldn’t figure “this” out. Why the fuck can’t I fix “this”, or anything for that matter? My days were spent situated in that shame, keeping myself in depression, in feelings of worthlessness. Most importantly, I chose to carry on in the role of a victim.

Remained Living In The Problem

It wasn’t because I didn’t want recovery, didn’t want to change, or that I didn’t care about the people I was hurting. Because I categorically did care. But my drinking worsened as I continued to remain living in the problem. “Just one more” is what I would tell myself, and would eventually end up in another black out or hospitalization. During this time attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings more to smooth the waters between my husband and I than to actually seek any help really.

Ultimatum Delivered

It wasn’t until I lost everything; son, husband, pets, home, family, friends and any possible self worth that I had left. My husband gave me an ultimatum one day, which provided me with two options. The two options I was given were either my bond being revoked for a DUI with sever bodily injury, or going to rehab. I felt like I couldn’t stand, I remember thinking my life was over and I was ready to die. My fears took over and I ran to the bathroom and cried, looking at myself with shame and disgust. Then something inside said “this isn’t you Lissi, you don’t want to die”. I knew what I wanted to do. Yes, wanted to do and not just needed to do. I moved to New Port Richey to enter a structured program for women voluntarily.

A Change Of Fellowship

Through that structured program I began, once again, attending Alcoholics Anonymous. My being part of this fellowship continued for a couple of years. I continued to struggle with the idea of being abnormal, of carrying this label of Alcoholic for the rest of my life. Something just wasn’t clicking inside. I had not fully accepted nor surrendered to a new way of life. At least not until I was introduced to the Narcotics Anonymous. Yes, alcohol is a drug. And this is when my life really started to change for me.

Spiritual Awakenings

The introduction to NA came through the Da Vinci Home. Again, I experienced a few more relapses because I wasn’t fully committed to this program, or a new way of life. Then one day I met a wonderful woman. She had a way about her, an aura if you will, that was magnetic. She had something I always wanted, a sense of peace and spirituality. A woman who later agreed to be my sponsor. As we began to actually work the steps together, I began having a series of spiritual awakenings. These spiritual awakenings were a first for me. Little by little, just one day at a time I was able to be more open and honest with her and others about myself and my addiction.

Complacency Takes Way

The DUI with severe bodily injury I mentioned earlier came with a sentence I am still serving. A sentence of community control. Recent circumstances of complacency on my part brought on a violation that led to three months in jail. During those three months I was able to work through the realities of my life and of my addiction. This time allowing me to really make peace with those realities. I realized how much I had grown in the couple of months of working with my NA sponsor.

Continued Support In Physical Absence

“I came to believe” as is said in the rooms of NA. To believe that this program works, and my higher power was working with me. Yes, I came to believe this while I was sitting in jail. My complacency procured my time in jail and nothing else. The support of my best friend, my sponsor, my family as well as others was amazing during this time. Never once did I feel alone or forgotten. My higher power reminded me of what I have now, and most importantly my need to live in gratitude.

Hope And Gratitude Actualized

This time allowed the biggest spiritual awakening I have had up to this point in my recovery. I found myself full of hope and gratitude. Constant, while sitting in county jail, was I able to recognize hope and gratitude for so much. I am no longer victimizing myself. There is so much work to be done with the wreckage I’ve left behind. But the difference is today I live in the solution.

Surrender Grants Happiness

I have completely surrendered and granted myself the right to be happy. Today I am provided suggestions through my recovery for which I am completely open minded to. My desire to pick up a drink today is gone. Today there is not a fucking drink out there worth my life. There are too many people in my life today I care about, too much I have worked for, and too much to still look forward to. And today, I don’t want to loose any of it or the opportunities I have yet to conquer. Most importantly is that I know my self worth today and have worked to regain my self esteem.

Hope And Gratitude Grants Opportunities

Today I have hope and gratitude for my presently beautiful life and for the life in my future. And this blessing of hope and gratitude is priceless to me. A life full of gifts, so long as I continue to do the right things. The right things for myself and others. A life where I GET TO become a better person every day. I’m granting myself this opportunity of growth in recovery, and with my higher power I have faith this is obtainable. Today my ever continuing goal is to become a more spiritually fit and beautiful person inside, and to continue to create a beautiful life.

Intangible Blessings

I will leave you with the blessings step two has provided me with. Blessings of intangible attributes I value today in myself, and for my life: aspiration, ambition, goal, plan, design, dream, belief, confidence, achievement, concern, faith, optimism, promise. Yes, they all mean Hope! Grant yourself the opportunity to create yourself too.

~Lissi