My Story
My name is Lauren and I am an addict. I have been clean going on 10 months. My clean date is April 29th, 2017. This is the longest clean time I have had without actually going so far in the work, and working the steps. I am going to share a little bit about myself, where I come from, my addiction, and about how my recovery started.
Abuse and Loss
I was born in New Jersey, and I lived with my real mother and my stepdad. They were both bad alcoholics and addicts. I was sexually abused from the age of 3 until the age of 5. My brother was taken away when I was 4, and he was sent down to Florida to live with my father. I was so upset! I did not understand why they took him away and left me there to stay. Finally at the age of 5, I came down to live with my father and stepmother.
Full of Fear
My stepmother and I became very close, but I didn’t want anything to do with my father, I was scared of him. I would not even go into the same room with him, let him hug me, or allow any type of contact a father would normally do to show his love. Not knowing if he would do the same thing my stepdad had done and sexually abuse me scared me. That made it hard for me to ever trust any male figure.
A Higher Power?
My dad and stepmom were both alcoholics and gamblers. There were a lot of the times I would be left home to care for my little brother and sister. I started going to Harvest Baptist Church, and that is where started to find out about the concept of God. At that point in my life I knew I did not want to go down the same path as any of my parents.
Validation
When I was in middle school I was a straight “A” student. Doing well continued into high school for the first three years. Then when I entered my senior year in high school I became very promiscuous, and I wanted nothing but attention from guys. Hanging out with my brother’s friends was all I wanted to do, especially because they were all on the football team. The partying started to happen every weekend with the girls from school, getting so drunk to the point where I couldn’t remember half of the stuff I did. Not once did I realize I was trying to seek validation by getting attention from a male, or even why I was doing that.
Dangerous Game
In March of 2009, a few months before I graduated, I started dating my first love Chuck. This is when I started to use my first choice of drugs every other weekend or so. Never did I think using would start the dangerous game I later found myself in. At that point I was hanging out with him and my friend Katie, and we all started to use different types of drugs.
Introduction to Rehab
I started to use drugs regularly, and I convinced myself I absolutely needed the drugs. One day, after a terrible night, he and I broke up and my friend and I got into a huge fight, so I went back to live with my parents. In the morning I would wake up depressed, feeling like shit, and I had no idea why. Desperation took over and I reached out to my real mother, who I haven’t talked to in 12 years, and told her some of what had been happening. That is when I found trazodone in my mother’s closet and proceeded to take a handful. I was trying to get rid of the feeling withdrawal I was experiencing. That was the first time I went into The Harbor, a rehab facility.
Reaching For Help
When I was released from the Harbor I got back together with my ex, and that didn’t last too long. I ended up going to New Jersey to stay with my mom for the first time since I was 5 years old. While I was in Jersey I told them about what was going on, and we decided I was going to come back down Florida to get my stuff and go back to Jersey to live with my mom. Upon returning they started tapering me off drugs by giving me suboxone. That only lasted for a short time.
Desperation
My mom and stepdad at that point were using and selling drugs to young guys that were my age, guys I had started to hang out with. So I started to use drugs again. I was using drugs I have never even used before, and in ways I had never used. That lasted for a couple months, until a big blowout brought on an intervention by my mom and her girlfriend. So I 302’d myself and went into a crisis center for 7 days, and then into rehab for 33 days. When I was released from rehab is when I started to attend meetings. Then I started talking to my ex again and ended up moving back down to Florida to be with him. I soon after relapsed, but we continued dating for a little while until he started to get really out of control.
A Brief Abstinence
That’s when I started talking to the guy who is my son’s father. My son’s father and I got together while I was using. We got our own place and then a few months later I was pregnant. I stopped using suboxone, and in a few weeks I was no longer taking anything. My son was born when I was almost 22, and I was still clean when I started to breastfeed. That only lasted until I stopped breastfeeding, and I started using again.
Introduction to Jails
Things went downhill really quick. I was hanging out with an old friend and started using in a way I had always told myself I would never do, stealing anything I could get my hands on from stores, my family and my son’s father. I got caught stealing and I was placed on probation. Not long after I was caught stealing again with five new charges and a violation of probation charge. I ended up going to jail and I served four months in Pasco County, and one month in Hernando County. That is when I decided to take drug court in Pasco County. So when I was released from Hernando County that process began.
Hole In My Heart
I had started going to meetings in Hernando County and I was doing the best I could. For a while I was able to stay clean, but my son’s father and were fighting terribly all the time. Later met my now ex-girlfriend in the meetings and we started hanging out even though I was still living with my son’s father. One night the fighting got so bad that his dog ended up biting me and that was the end of that. I left and went and lived between my dad’s house and my ex-girlfriend’s house. Things were going really well, but there was a hole in my heart and I didn’t know why.
The Test Doesn’t Lie
I was going to meetings, but I wasn’t listening or focusing. After a couple months together I ended up relapsing and trying to hide behind a drug test at West Care. The using got to the point my support group new, but I of course I tried denying it. One day my ex and I went to court, and they wanted me to take a drug test. The test results came back positive for opiates and acted like I had no idea what they were talking about. I told them to send it to a lab, only because I knew it would buy me two more weeks. Two more weeks of being able to keep using.
Giving Up The Fight
My ex broke up with me and I went balls to the wall. The using was hardcore and stayed out of motels for those two weeks. My face was so bad from all the picking, I ended up getting MRSA and I was in the hospital for two days before going back to court. This court date ended up with being sentenced to another month in jail. When I went back to court I signed to go to the Ace program, which is a transitional house. I ended up going to Ace and finally started to focus on myself and my recovery.
Reservations and Self Will
In August of 2015, while at Ace, I got my job at KFC. All I did was basically go to meetings and work. I graduated Ace in January of 2016, and was still going to meetings and continued working. I was doing really good. Then one day I realize that all I was doing was working and saving money, and had nothing to really show for it. That’s when I discovered my first reservation. I hit up an old using friend and went back out. That brought me four months of self imposed misery and pain. All the money I had worked hard for and saved was wasted. By then I was miserable; no emotions whatsoever. A friend reached out to me and told me when I was ready to get clean that I could come stay where she was staying. Of course I denied I was using, but a few days later I called her and finally told her the truth.
Honesty
That is when I came to the Da Vinci Home and started my journey all over again. After almost 6 months clean I relapsed and felt disgusted with myself. Something had to change so I took a step back and looked at what I was lacking in my recovery, started taking suggestions seriously and really working on my recovery. I am now working on my forth step, a manager at my job, and I have great motivation and pride in my work. My life has balance; time for meetings, time with my son and my friends. My life has not been easy, and I never seek pity. This journey made me the person I am today. Today I love myself and that is one of the greatest gifts I can imagine ever receiving.
Grateful addict, Lauren