Self Esteem Proves Difficult To Recover
My self esteem is one of the things I have lost in my active addiction. It has proven more difficult to get back than a job or drivers license. I never considered myself to be superficial, but I was happy with myself on the inside and on the outside.
Life Changed In Two Hours
On June 15, 2016 I relapsed, and those 2 short hours, on that one single day, changed my whole outlook on life. That night I was intoxicated, and I jumped of the roof of my apartment complex. My boyfriend at the time locked me out of our apartment because I relapsed and he didn’t want to deal with my drunken escapades. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking, but I do remember climbing up there and consciously knowing what I was doing and I didn’t care what happened to me.
A Constant Reminder
Til this day I told my parents I must have fell and I don’t remember what happened, but I do, very clearly actually. I’m pretty sure they know it wasn’t accidental, but we don’t ever talk about it. I had to get reconstructive surgery on my nose. Additionally, I broke my patella (knee cap) so I had to have surgery and have to have a second surgery to replace the screw. I am going to have issues with my knee for the rest of my life and the pain is a constant reminder of what I have done.
Conflict Of Selves
This whole ordeal has made me immensely self-conscious about my looks. One of my teeth were knocked out during the fall. So I never want to smile and when I do smile, I think everyone is looking at my teeth. I am also embarrassed about the scar that goes right down the middle of my nose, and my nose is crooked. I will never take a picture with my head straight because I think it is way more noticeable. It is hard for me to feel good about myself on the inside when I have so many insecurities on the outside.
I Am A Valuable Person
Some days are worse than others, but I try not to wallow in self pity because it could have been a lot worse. Had I fallen backward instead of falling forward that night I could have died or even been paralyzed. I did learn from that experience that I do not want to die. To help with my self esteem I think positive and challenge all of my negative thoughts. Thoughts like I am ugly, I am a loser or even no-one likes me. I remind myself that I am a valuable person and I deserve to feel good about myself. I am working on myself to acquire more self confidence. Some days I struggle more than others. I just need to always remember to:
“Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on.” – Steve Maraboli