Uncategorized Archives * Page 13 of 22 * Da Vinci Recovery Homes Inc.

Following My Dreams

My Dreams

My name is Nikki, I’m an addict today I have 506 days clean. I just started the process of going back to school. I’m excited and fucking scared at the same time. For years I’ve been scared of following my dreams.

Vigilant in Recovery

I had a fear to come back from my relapse. My disease told me I’d never be anything without drugs. Here I am, 16 months clean, telling my disease to go fuck itself everyday and staying vigilant in my recovery. Being vigilant allows me to become a better person everyday and provides me the courage of following my dreams.

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure has held me back from following my dreams, goals, and making them come true in my life. One, because I was stuck in active addiction and I went to barber school in active addiction. I did surprisingly well until my disease won, and I dropped out. I had fear of being honest with my job and telling them I wanted to go to school and how I needed to switch back to days, for the past five months I’ve let that fear hold me back and last week I put in the request for day shift. Two, I was in a relationship, and things were good. Then my fear kicked in and I ran from that relationship. But, I’m grateful that today I and that person are still best friends. Our friendship is better than it was when we were together. Three, I was scared to get my license back, I pushed through with courage made the first step and did it.

Rise and Recover

My disease always tells me I’m not worthy, and tells me I’ll never be good enough. But, recovery and working the steps has helped me realize that I am good enough. I am worthy of this great amazing life I live. I’m very smart, kind, ambitious, passionate. Fear has two meanings, Face Everything And Run, or Face Everything and Rise/Recover. Today I choose to Rise and Recover because having fear is from lack of faith. Today, I have faith my higher power is not going to let me down. My higher power knows what’s best for me. I just have to keep doing the footwork and have the courage to continue following my dreams. I know in putting my recovery first anything is possible. I’m excited to start this next chapter of my life, to go to school for mechanical engineering. I’m so grateful for Narcotics Anonymous and the people in my life today.

A grateful recovering addict, Nikki

Honest In Step One

Honesty: Integrity, Sincerity, Openness Surrender: Yield, Submit, Concede, Grant Acceptance: Respect for, Endurance, Yes, Welcome, Belief In, Trust In, Faith In, Willingness

Being Honest

For three years, maybe even longer, I disillusioned myself that I was being honest with myself and my then husband. Yes, I was honest in admitting my behavior and actions were out of control when I was using. But never was I honest about the problem; Lissi! Not until I was literally being forced into rehab rather than jail did I start to consider being honest about myself. Yes, I said only considering being honest, and that began recently when I surrendered to Narcotics Anonymous. I had never surrendered to something “better”. Not until I began working the first step did I become completely honest with myself and sponsor.

Free From Fear

Being honest has allowed what really doesn’t matter to go away, and what it means to be free from fear in order to allow what I really want to start to appear and begin to grow in my life. A life without chaos! Is my life perfect? No, absolutely not. But today it is no longer chaotic. Today I allow myself to grow and learn how to be a better person with the help of others.

Surrender The Fight

The ability to finally truly surrender the fight within myself is an amazingly freeing action. It has allowed me the ability to grant myself a life with peace and happiness. The ability to be the person I always wanted to be during my active addiction. The person I disillusioned myself into thinking I still was.

Acceptance

Acceptance has allowed me to welcome myself back more every day. Yes, there is still wreckage to work through. And, that itself is a blessing to be able to do today. Today I choose to be present and live in the solution. And it is a marvelous place to live. I am immensely full of gratitude to be where I am and have amazing loving people in my life.

~Lissi

Back to Recovery

When I came back to recovery I swore to myself up and down that I was not going to get involved with anyone. (LOL, right?) I was so good focused solely on my recovery for a while, well really like a couple of months but lets be honest that can feel like forever when you are first getting clean again. And then he came into my life and I was like “ummm, no” until it was a maybe and then next thing I knew I was catching feelings for this supposed friend with benefits and just as quickly as it started it was ending…

Letter To Him

To the guy I thought I wanted to be with,

I want to hate you right now, be mad, cry and lash out. To blame everything on you, rip apart everything you have said and convince myself of all the assumptions running through my mind.

There are so many things I really truly like about you, but mostly I liked the consistency. I love that you are just as needy as I am, so I knew I could count on you to be there. And, truthfully, I loved you for being a little broken. You were open and honest about where you were and what you were looking for but I was going to change that, I was going to make you fall in love.

My Truth

And that is exactly how I mind fucked myself in this moment. I know my patterns. If they’re emotionally unavailable I love them, and it has taken me a little while to realize that. Well, maybe not realize it but accept that as my truth. It is a challenge and it is a chase, not as in a flavor of the week type of thing but more like a “if I can get you to like me I must not be that bad, right?” type of thing. I will chase that in hopes of boosting my own self esteem. I want you to like me, care about me, love me, all so I can love myself. But, I knew this was not going to last, it never does.

My Insanity

And this was me really trying. I tried to put up that wall, I tried to keep you out. I did not get clean again to find a boyfriend in the first guy I make eye contact with. But, then you made me feel comfortable, cared for, special. And that was the moment I knew I was screwed. I am mad at myself for letting you in. Knowing that it was going to end like this and doing it anyway, that truly is insanity. I didn’t think it was going to be different than any other time but I was doing it anyway. I distinctly remember sitting next to you in the car and looking at you dead in the eyes and saying “Are you ready for this train wreck?”

Expectations

And as stunned as you may have wanted to be, I know in your heart of hearts you knew it, just as I did. But it was so easy to get duped, and I truly mean that in the best way possible. I mean, you’re cute, you’re smart, you’re funny, etc etc. It is all new and exciting and fun until real life sets in and then I am sitting there side swiped by my unrealistic expectations.

Love Myself

I can’t blame you for not being who I wanted you to be or what I wanted us to be. Because I mean really I can’t blame you for being you. And now its my turn to be un-apologetically me. And in order to do that I need to know me and love me. If I am ever going to love you, whoever that you winds up being, I need to love myself. And that doesn’t mean there is no pain in this. It doesn’t matter how logical I can be, this is still going to take some getting used to. I catch myself checking my phone and missing your random texts throughout the day. So for now I will be happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. *Cue the T. Swift song* But, I know that I will be okay getting focused and back to my recovery. It always stings a little bit when you first rip off that band aid but that’s when you can begin to heal.

Forever,

Me

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Freedom Today

My name is Nikki, and I am an addict. This week has been full with the gifts of recovery. After 8 years of not having my license I got my license back, and my car registered and insured. I am now a legal driver. After years of holding onto resentments against the courts, because of losing my license, and spending every penny on the next one. Being clean and sober in recovery has given me freedom today not only from active addiction, but freedom today to own my part in order to make my amends to society. In the 16 months of being clean and sober I have grown as a person, and accomplished goals I never even imagined were possible.

Setting Goals

If you would of told me a year ago I was going to get my license back, I would’ve told you it was impossible. I had fines of $4000 holding me back, and I didn’t think it was possible. In putting my recovery first anything is possible. When I worked on my 8th and 9th step my sponsor and I set some goals.

Obtaining Goals

We made a budget plan, and I started putting in the footwork. Asking God for his guidance along the way. In 3 months I worked hard, prayed hard, disciplined my spending, paid off all my tickets, set up a payment plan for outstanding court costs, and I bought a car! Like my own car in 8 years! I was able to pay the reinstatement fees, and got it insured and registered. I didn’t do it alone.

Blessings

God, my sponsor and working my program showed me how. My family did chip in some to help me. Today they see the changes in me, and as a result they are actually willing to help me. They want what is best for me. I can not express how good it feels to be driving again! Driving again Legally! For years I always had to look over my shoulder driving. Today I am not concerned with that. Today I try to do the next right thing everyday.

Being of Service

Life will keep getting better with every day I have clean, and for this I have so much gratitude. Now I can be of service to other addicts, bring them to meetings just as others did for me. If it wasn’t for the people who drove me, to and from meetings and service commitments, I would not be where I am today. They are all a part of my journey.

Trust Your Struggle

I am grateful for all the people in my life today. Everyone that has been a part of my journey has helped me in one way or another. In my journey there have been lessons. Some of these people have hurt me, and through that pain came strength. And, some people have been blessings. The good, and the bad have been growing experiences. I am grateful for all of those people. Trust your struggle because the best has yet to come!

A grateful recovering addict, Nikki

Spiritual Awakening

After coming back from a relapse November 1, 2017, I had a spiritual awakening while in a home group meeting. We were reading Step 1 and I realized, like it was a total Epiphany that I never worked my first Step honestly and openly with myself or a sponsor!! I was introduced to AA back in 2006, and have previously worked the steps in “AA” and had some time in previous years, but I always relapsed eventually. I realize now, after being introduced to “NA” this time and working my first step in the “NA “Step Working Guide with my sponsor that I, for the first time in recover, finally worked an honest and thorough first step!! It just took me eleven years to recognize.

Working My First Step

The program and my support group have always told me to “Thine own-self be true”. I never understood the full meaning until working my first step in “NA”. Honesty, the first principle is of utmost importance in my recovery and I always believed it was about being honest with others. I never realized the only person when I was using and tied into all my web of lies, that I was not being truly honest with myself and my Higher Power! I had never previously worked a truly honest program.

Honesty

Today, it is so freeing to be able to recognize and be honest with myself, my Higher Power, and others! I am able to look in the mirror today and like who I see. I was never able to do that before, I always hated myself. Today I have begun the journey of loving myself and am so grateful for this gift of recovery!!

Stacy