My name is Nikki, I’m an addict today I have 506 days clean. I just started the process of going back to school. I’m excited and fucking scared at the same time. For years I’ve been scared of following my dreams.
Vigilant in Recovery
I had a fear to come back from my relapse. My disease told me I’d never be anything without drugs. Here I am, 16 months clean, telling my disease to go fuck itself everyday and staying vigilant in my recovery. Being vigilant allows me to become a better person everyday and provides me the courage of following my dreams.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure has held me back from following my dreams, goals, and making them come true in my life. One, because I was stuck in active addiction and I went to barber school in active addiction. I did surprisingly well until my disease won, and I dropped out. I had fear of being honest with my job and telling them I wanted to go to school and how I needed to switch back to days, for the past five months I’ve let that fear hold me back and last week I put in the request for day shift. Two, I was in a relationship, and things were good. Then my fear kicked in and I ran from that relationship. But, I’m grateful that today I and that person are still best friends. Our friendship is better than it was when we were together. Three, I was scared to get my license back, I pushed through with courage made the first step and did it.
Rise and Recover
My disease always tells me I’m not worthy, and tells me I’ll never be good enough. But, recovery and working the steps has helped me realize that I am good enough. I am worthy of this great amazing life I live. I’m very smart, kind, ambitious, passionate. Fear has two meanings, Face Everything And Run, or Face Everything and Rise/Recover. Today I choose to Rise and Recover because having fear is from lack of faith. Today, I have faith my higher power is not going to let me down. My higher power knows what’s best for me. I just have to keep doing the footwork and have the courage to continue following my dreams. I know in putting my recovery first anything is possible. I’m excited to start this next chapter of my life, to go to school for mechanical engineering. I’m so grateful for Narcotics Anonymous and the people in my life today.
A grateful recovering addict, Nikki