experience, strength and hope in recovery

Out Of Active Addiction And Now Healing

Active Addiction And Relationships

Learning how to have healthy relationships while in recovery can be challenging. During active addiction all my relationships were quite strained. Before working the steps I was always under the impression that my relationships with my parents and sister would go back to normal. But that wasn’t the case.

Reality Of The Hurt Caused

Before actually practicing the steps I thought that because I never directly hurt my parents. Yes, I stole from them. I thought I did not hurt them, when in fact my behavior was way worse than if I just stole from them. They were in constant worry of where I was, and if this bender would be the last. My parents could never believe a word I said. I always lied to them, and hid my active addiction until I just had no energy to hide it anymore.

Active Addiction Was A Full Time Job

My active addiction was a full time job and eventually it was just too tiresome to hide it and that’s when my life came crashing down all at once. My parents are the two most important people in my life and I want nothing more to have a strong close relationship with them again, but it takes time. They are emotionally hurt by my actions in active addiction and just because I’m sober now it doesn’t mean those feelings of hurt and pain are going to go away. Slowly but surely our relationship is on the mend, but it is not something that can be rushed.

Support System Is Crucial

Before my last relapse I was seven months sober. I am almost at 2 months again. My relapse was on alcohol for one night. I am very grateful that this disease did not keep me out for longer. Having a support system is so crucial for me and my recovery. Because of my support I was able to go to the Da Vinci Home and be around people that know exactly what I am going through.

Healing Takes Time

My relationship with my parents is getting stronger by the day. But I know it is going to take time for things to get back to how they were. I can tell sometimes they worry if I don’t call them for a day or two. If I relapsed because that is the pattern for me. It’s like that saying, you relapse days before you actually take that first drink or drug.

Learning To Share Feelings

The main thing I am working on in my life right now is to talk about my feelings. That has always been a problem of mine. I like to sweep my problems under the rug and act as though they do not exist. The problem with that is when i keep all my feelings in I become so overwhelmed that I resort to drinking or doing drugs to mask all of the feelings that I keep inside. With that I actually created more problems. Problems on top of the problems that I had to start with.

A Work In Progress

My life in recovery is a work in progress. Just because I am not in active addiction now my problems don’t just go away. But I deal with them in a healthier, more mature way. I still occasionally think about using when I have a problem, or am in a stressful situation. But that is just it, it is just a thought. It is a thought that I do not act on. And eventually, that thought passes and I become stronger from it.

~anonymous

Finding Self-Worth In Recovery

My self-worth is something that I have been struggling with for a long while. But these are things I’m working through as I continue my journey in recovery. When did I stop believing in myself? Or even, when did I stop loving myself?

Feeling Unworthy

When I was younger I went through abuse as a kid. And I think that may have something to do with it. There were many aspects where I never felt good enough. These aspects pertaining to: not good enough in school, not a good enough friend, not pretty enough etc. I struggled with self-worth a lot in middle school because I was on the bigger side. I felt like that because other guys weren’t giving me attention they would with some of the pretty girls. Even in friendships I felt like I wasn’t as popular because I wasn’t good enough.

The Wrong Kind Of Attention

But I really lost myself-worth when I started using. I lost all respect for myself and gave myself to anyone who would give me attention. With that being said it wasn’t the good kind of attention, it was because they wanted a good lay. It’s very hard for me to take any type of compliments. Like if someone says you look pretty today, I always come back with “I look fat”, “my hair is a mess” or “I don’t have makeup on”.

Positive Affirmations

When I came back into the rooms I couldn’t even tell you what self-worth or self-love was. I’m one of my biggest critics. But lately I have been trying positive affirmations. For example every morning I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I’m beautiful inside and out. And I try my hardest to actually believe it. I know that I am beautiful and that I have a lot of great characteristics. It’s just hard sometimes because all of the stuff I have done to believe it.

Starting To See My Self-Worth

By working the steps and my recovery I am starting to love myself. When someone gives me a compliment instead of being uncomfortable with it, I try to embrace it and say thank you. Self-worth is really hard for me. But I know that if I start to see my worth, I won’t put up with a lot of what I have put up with. This is especially tue in relationships.

Progress In Myself With Recovery

If I love myself today it makes it easier for others to love me. Self-worth and self-love are two things that I struggle with daily, but I Won’t Give Up! There’s always room for progress in my recovery pertaining to many aspects inside and out. But the further along I go in working my recovery, the more progress I make Within Myself.

Proud Of Myself Today

I am proud of myself today and all the accomplishments I have made. Now I just have to be proud of who Lauren is, and what she has to offer. Because I am no longer that conniving and self-centered using addict out there on the streets. I am someone trying to do better with my life and become who I deserve to be. And to me that’s a lot more then looks and what I have. My name is Lauren and I’m an addict. I have been clean for 11 and a half months. And I like to state that in my blogs to show the progress that I have made.

Grateful addict, Lauren

My Last High

Today I celebrate my life; my NA birthday. October 14th, 2016 was my last high. I remember sitting at this dope house, in a doorway with a needle in my arm and a pipe in my lap. As I was getting high tears rolling down my face. I wanted to die but every attempt at overdosing God always woke me up.

My First Real Prayer

I was in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous before but was just to scared to go back. Scared of the change, the unknown, the future. And of the fear the demon inside me made me into, this monster. A monster I couldn’t stand to live with myself another moment. But I knew there was another way. I just had to have the courage to do it. That night I prayed the first real prayer I’ve probably prayed my entire life. I was done! No longer did I want to be a hopeless junkie, a menace to my family anymore. What I wanted was to look in the mirror and like the reflection I see staring back at me.

Finally Surrendered

October 15th 2016 I woke up and my dad came to get me. I was so sick my skin was crawling, I had the hot and cold sweats and nauseous. I was going into detox that day. First time I’ve ever gone in not on any substances. I finally surrendered! And when I did, I had clarity for the first time in a long time. Sitting in detox I was lost and didn’t know where I was going to go. NA came in that night to bring a meeting. I was laying in bed and didn’t want to get up. But knew I had to do uncomfortable things to change so I went. I got out of detox and went to a transitional house. Right away I got involved.

Get A Sponsor

I got a sponsor . This amazing woman I knew before when I was in the rooms. I wanted that serenity she had, that sparkle and life in her eyes. So the first meeting I saw her at I went up and asked her. I was scared and nervous. She told me to call her for a week and I did. That was the first time I’ve ever done that with a sponsor. She told me to get the sponsorship I.P. and write on it, so I did. After finishing each step I’ve had a spiritual experience. Also during each step and after I started to get to know myself. I started to love the person in the mirror again. There was something to be grateful for each day clean. I had been told and I heard in a meeting that a grateful addict won’t use.

Service Work Keeps Me Accountable

When I got 3 Months clean I started doing service work, and have been doing it ever since. Service work keeps me accountable to other people and to my commitments. There have been days that my accountability was the only reason I didn’t pick up.

Hard Times In Recovery

I’ve gone through plenty of hard times in recovery. My dad being in and out of the hospital. His health hasn’t been the best. I’ve had my own health issues too. But today, I care and I love myself. So I go to the doctors and take care of myself.

Powerless Over Others

I’ve been through break ups in recovery. I’ve been lied to, cheated on and played. But the steps have taught me how to forgive those people, to let go of the resentments. To own up to my part and admit when I was wrong. Because today I’m not responsible for other people’s actions and behaviors . I’m completely powerless over it. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and my conscious clean.

Asking God To Remove Character Defects

I get why they suggest staying out of a relationship your first year. You’re getting to know yourself and love your self. I caused a lot of unnecessary pain and I hurt the people I was with. Because of the good addict I am, I got in more than one relationship. Looking to fill a void and acting out on defects. But today I’m aware of my patterns. I know what my defects are today. And all I have to do is pray, ask my higher power to remove them and in gods time he will.

Just For Today

I have trust and faith today, and a relationship with my higher power. Working on the 11th step is making my relationship with my higher power stronger. I’ve learned how to stay in today, and try not to project into the future and obsess about it. I understand what the saying Just for Today really means. I use Just for today with everything in my life today. That’s all we’ve got, just a day at a time.

Support In Relationships

My family is back in my life today they trust me and I have relationships with them. I have a few close friends I know I can tell anything to and not feel judged in anyway and they will be honest with me and they support me no matter what. That’s why they say get a support group because those people will lift you up when you’re feeling low and jump in excitement with you through the good times.

Mental And Spiritual Changes

I have a great job which I’m working on turning into a career. So, I signed up to go back to school and that’s something I never thought would happen. Recovery has given me a second chance to follow my dreams. I have my license back and just got a brand new car. I’ve never owned a brand new car in my life. The material things are the gifts of recovery. But it’s the changes in myself mentally and spiritually that matter to me. The relationships I have today with god, my family and my support group.

Vigilant In My Recovery

There are times I don’t see how much I’ve grown because I can be my own worst enemy. When I look back, I’ve come a long way and I refuse to go back to that hell of a life. I stay vigilant in my recovery, go to meetings, continue in service work, in self love, help the newcomers and practice the spiritual principles in my daily affairs. No, I don’t work a perfect program. I’m human and I’m going to make mistakes. And, that’s okay because the only thing I’ve done perfect this past 18 months was not pick up no matter what.

I Choose To Live My Life

I’m so grateful for the program and my life today. I choose to live my life full of happiness and peace. I choose recovery! It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Because everyday clean, no matter what happens in that day, is a successful day. There’s hope today and the lie is dead because we do recover! Don’t give up no matter what, because if this addict can get clean, so can you. My name is Nikki and I’m an addict. Today I have 18 Months clean and serene.

A grateful recovering addict, Nikki

Joy Found In The Simplest Ways

Today I’m finding joy in the simplest ways due to my recovery. Currently I am working on my second step and about to wrap it up. This step touches on being open-minded in our recovery. However, it’s allowing me to apply being open-minded in my life in general. And, I will explain as we go along.

Remaining Open-Minded

We are asked to be open-minded to a new way of life. As well as being open-minded to suggestions from others. What I discovered is that I had to first be honest to truly reap the benefits of what is being offered. See, I had to be honest about what was really wrong with me so that I could allow others in recovery, in my support network, to be able to offer their experience, strength and hope. And reaping the benefits is what we’re after, a better way of life right? Absolutely it is!

Acceptance And Surrender

So, I was honest about not just the things I lost because I was in active addiction, but the reasons why I was picking up. There was suffering inside and being honest, sharing about this allowed me to start healing. This required me to be open-minded that someone else could help me. There was a blind faith or trust needed in my higher power and in others. That can be really scary. But when I accepted the reality of my disease, accepted I wasn’t living my life, I allowed myself to surrender. That surrender granted me the ability to meet new people, to be happy again, and to grow.

My Own Person

This growth allowed me to learn who Lissi is. To learn what Lissi likes and not what others like. I am my own person, an individual. No longer seeking the approval of others to validate me because I’m unsure of who I am. Don’t confuse this with taking my own will. I was completely lost as to who I was for years. This is about being honest and open-minded, about working my recovery to build self-esteem, self-worth. These actions providing me an opportunity of finding joy within myself again, even in the simplest ways.

Joy In Color

One of these examples of finding joy in the simplest ways is color. You may laugh, or be like seriously, but I’m being dead fucking serious. I’ve introduced different nail polish colors into my life because I’m getting to know who I am more and more every day. Semi ultra conservative would have been the way to describe my color selection before now.

People Pleasing

When I was married I would always ask my husband’s opinion on everything. And yes, even when I would buy a new color of nail polish. I’d pick up a pretty shade of blue or purple because I thought the color was pretty. He would look at it and then me, and be like seriously. And because I allowed his opinion to swage me my collection consisted of reds and pinks. He never told me I couldn’t buy it, don’t confuse that. But I was so unsure of myself to the point I felt like I needed his approval for everything, even my polish color.

Seeing Color Again

Today I own a beautiful collection of color in the form of nail polish. And, I didn’t even start the collection. My mom and grandma came by with a few things, and nail polish was included; colors like yellows, blues and purples. I remember thinking “what the fuck?” because my mom is the epitome of conservative. I asked seriously, these colors mom? She looked at me and said Elisabeth why not, it’s just nail polish. WOW, Okay! Those colors sat there for a few months. Was the timing of me finally using the colors a coincidence? I don’t think so.

Surrendered To A New Way

After my relapse I became open to the idea of using these new beautiful colors. The open-mindedness came when I re-surrendered to a different 12 step program. I decided to join Narcotics Anonymous; alcohol is a drug! I was blessed by the universe to have met a wonderful woman, she agreed to sponsor me, and I began my step work.

Building A Foundation

When I began the step work in NA, I got real with myself, with her, with the people who I love and care for in my life today. I got honest and did what was suggested. Not living my life was no longer an option. In addition, staying open-minded to suggestions regarding my recovery and putting it before everything else in my life.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

I’m so grateful for allowing myself to be vulnerable. That’s when I started to grow. I started to heal and get to know myself. And yes, that’s when I finally looked at those beautiful colors and laughed at myself. How fucking stupid to have that variety and not use them. One day I decided I wanted to try one of them out and did. I realized I don’t care anymore what anyone thinks, and why did I ever? Oh, or maybe no one cares Lissi, you seriously aren’t that important; it’s just nail polish for goodness sake.

Color Gives Life Joy

That day I found a little joy from the simplest way. Due to my growth in recovery I am learning about myself. This growth came from being open-minded. It’s not just about abstaining today, it’s about living life. Living and enjoying life by working my recovery, growing as a person, having self-esteem and self-worth, building healthy relationships, and being a productive person. Life is a beautiful gift full of color so live and enjoy it today!

~Lissi

Release The Ball And Chain In Recovery

The spiritual, emotional and physical Ball and Chain of addiction can be broken with work. The other day several of us went to the beach all though it was windy it was a great time. There were so many times in my past drinking and watching people having fun spending a day with their loved ones. All the while I was stuck with a ball and chain attached to my every thought. Additionally physically being so sick.

Different From Others

I would say over and over what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like others . So at one point I decided to get some help. I decided to admit myself into detox. When I was released I went to a halfway house where other woman were trying to get their lives back. That was a few years ago, and because I did not take suggestions or really give it my all, I would find my self doing the same thing.

Miracles Happen

I have seen miracles happen to other woman, as well as myself because of a twelve step program. I have also seen someone who gives their all to find peace, happiness and the blessings that are given to them. They have received these gifts for just doing the next right thing and working their program.

A Different Way Of Thinking

I am not saying that is always easy. The gifts of recovery are achievable by changing negative thoughts into positive ones. By helping others and staying grateful that you have become a better person. That living is no longer a spiritual, emotional or physical ball and chain, but rather a life that you never thought could be possible. A life beyond your wildest dreams, a fourth dimension if you will.

~Anonymous