The time to change and move forward has come. I first started coming into the rooms about 7 year ago. I honestly just did not get it. All I kept hearing is “get a sponsor,” it works if you work it.” I knew it worked for everyone else, but I would stay clean for 30 days here, 60 days there. What I was doing wasn’t working for me, and nothing changes if nothing changes.
Same Results
Looking back on it, I now know I was just dry. I would not consume alcohol or drugs for short periods of time. But drinking or using would constantly be on my mind. I would even get excited in my head when I would plan out when I was going to drink and how much fun I am going to have. Of course it never ended up being fun, and consequently I always ended up back in jail or baker acted.
A New Time In My Recovery
I noticed too that my relapses would get worse and worse as I get older. This is the first time in my recovery history where I am free of that mental obsession. That obsession to use, and it feels absolutely amazing!
Step Four And Secrets
I just completed step four and it is such a relief to get everything off of my chest. To share things with my sponsor that I thought I would take to my grave with me. I was able to talk about these secrets that were ultimately keeping me sick. From just doing that step, I feel like a completely different person.
A Bright Future
I am no longer embarrassed about everything I have done in my past, in order to grow as a person I cannot hold on to the things that I have done. I cannot dwell on the past. There is nothing I can do to change it. But I can determine my future, and with step 4 I can tell it is going to be a good one!
When I arrived to Da Vinci broken, I was battered and soul bruised. My life post relapse has been a process of waiting for the dust to settle from the whirlwind of chaos that I have created. When one makes the decision to gain sobriety, the evidence of destruction comes into focus with clear and exact precision. The excuses and justifications for using drugs or alcohol have instead become the very fuel that fires my motivation to stay clean and sober.
Emotions Surface
Dealing with the multitude of raw emotions as of late has been a challenge indeed. Prior to sobriety, when painful emotions surfaced, I could not or shall I say that I would not “sit” in the emotion. The emotions of being broken, battered and bruised were akin to uncomfortable and tight clothing that I wanted to immediately shed, never to wear again. I could not allow the natural course of the emotion to take place. The desire to blunt the feelings with one substance or another was overwhelming.
Perceived Problems
Dealing with life on life’s terms seemed unfathomable to me, an impossible task if you will. In sobriety, I am slowly learning to sit with the feelings. Even as I chant “this too shall pass”, to convince myself that perhaps it will pass. I realize that using substances certainly never made anything better. In fact, it compounded my perceived problem with heavy interest. Feelings are not facts, so the saying goes. With time I hope the feelings of failure as a woman, a mother, and a human being will pass and recede like the tide upon shore. Today, I am learning to ride the waves of my life, choppy waters and all. Something I have not been able to do in adulthood.
Untouchable vs Unworthy
As I have begun this journey into recovery, I have attempted to make sense of the Higher Power concept. A concept spoken frequently upon in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. My concept of God thus far has been largely religious, versus a spiritual concept. In childhood I was taught that God was an untouchable, omnipotent being and I was unworthy of a direct audience.
Create Attributes
In the rooms I have been listening and have heard a different take on the Higher Power concept, however you may refer to that Power. It is said that the Higher Power can be of ones own choosing. Therefore one may create the attributes the Higher Power may have. I have begun to redefine my concept of God. Perhaps God is not the old testament wrathful being that reflected poorly upon a lowly being such as myself. Maybe, just maybe I can commune with “God”, or in other words- communicate with the universally good force within my reality. That force could then in turn guide my life. I am open to the idea of this possibility.
Laying the Foundation
I have gone through my life sans direct personal contact with a power greater than myself, or a support group of a more terrestrial nature. As new as it is for me to reach out to others, I know there is great value in doing so in efforts to lay a foundation of recovery. I can not recover alone. I have tried previously and failed miserably. As far as direction from a Higher Power goes, I continue to “pray” or directly communicate with such a force. At times feverishly so. If this force is universally good and loving in nature, then should I make the next right decision. Then I may be more open to receive guidance. I will remain open, willing, and most of all, I will try to listen.
I am taking charge of my recovery! Which means I have to be comfortable with the fact that God has got this. After I finished my third step my sponsor made me wait thirty days before I could start my fourth. She did this because I needed to focus on the fact that I can not control everything but I can be active in my recovery. God has a plan but I also have to be active in this. Taking back control of my my life by making decisions and choices is essential to my recovery. It has helped me feel more confident and shed a little of the self doubt. Of course this is an ongoing tough process.
Decisions For Myself
For so long my addiction made choices for me, then family and healthcare workers. Finally I’m at a point where I can make certain decisions for myself. Now, this doesn’t mean I won’t or do not talk to my sponsor or other addicts about what is going on. This just means I am now able to make decisions on my own and I plan on taking full advantage of that.
Able To Make Decisions For Myself
Decision By Not Making One
I think the biggest lesson I have learned here is that NOT making a decision is a decision in of its self! I absolutely love this!! This is what has empowered me the most. I live in a transitional home right now and I don’t have a plan on when I’m going to move on, and that’s OK.
Living Day By Day
I have decided to live day by day and things will happen when they are supposed to happen. I am not sure what I want to do career wise. If I want to go back to teaching or not. What I have decided to do is find a job that I am happy with so I can pay my bills and I will take it from there, no rush. Again, things will happen how they are supposed to happen. God has a plan and the universe will provide.
Robbed By Addiction
I am sharing this because my addiction robbed me of my self worth which I know is common. However you don’t understand the depth of this until you have lived it. I could’t make a decision to save my life and don’t you dare ask me my favorite color or food because I have no idea. That would require thinking for myself.
Turning Point In Recovery
Going through the first few steps and learning about myself, my disease and decisions I am able to now make has been a huge turning point in my recovery. I am more confident in day to day living and am able to think for myself and make decisions on my own. (well mostly on my own, with the help of my sponsor and a few others)
Yesterday my friend bought a new car. Last year at this time she was looking at 4,000 dollars to just get her licenses back, never mind thinking about buying a car. I have watched her take on jobs that most people would not even consider, much less do, yet she did with no complaints. I have seen her work an honest program, and she always makes herself available to help another person who suffers from addiction.
Never Wavered
The the one thing about my friend that never wavered was her service work with her 12 step program, and she always attends her meetings. Some of you reading this might wonder why I would write about someone who has just bought a new car. It’s so much more than just buying the new car!! It’s friendship, love and support.
Infinity Goal
To see someone, especially someone you care about, not give up even though that goal seemed like “infinity”, yet that is exactly what she did. She set a goal and didn’t quit. She persevered over obstacles until her goal was obtained.
An Inspiration
She has also enrolled in school and she continues to work her full time job. She is an inspiration! Seeing what she has accomplished makes me want to achieve my goals that much more. It really is true with effort, the program does work if you work it. So proud of my friend and a good friend at that.
So I’m getting super excited because it’s time to go home to New Jersey. This time tomorrow I will be on a plane to visit my family. Since I’ve moved out here and started this new journey this will be the first time I have visited.
Birthday Surprise
I have so many mixed emotions: anxious, nervous, but most of all excited. Working a program has allowed me such a beautiful life. A life where I get to show up for my family today, not just physically but emotionally too. Only a few months ago, they were ready to write me out of their lives. My mom actually wants me in her life today. Recently she has been really sad about not being close to me while I am bettering my life. So I can’t wait to be able to surprise her for her birthday.
Repairing Relationships
Through the beauty of NA and the changes I have been able to make, I have been able to begin to repair the relationships with those that mean the most to me, and that I will be forever grateful for. Although I am nervous about leaving the place where I started building my foundation, I know I am blessed to have people that I love, and that love me, in Florida and Jersey. That’s why no matter where I am I will be okay.
