I Could Not Stay Sober
My story of drinking surely has changed. I started drinking at the age of 40. I started out with having a
glass of wine to relax and that it did. I would have a glass of wine maybe twice a week and enjoyed it. I
started going out with friends on the weekends for dinner and drinks and everyone thought I was more
fun and relaxed and easy going. I started to enjoy life or so I thought.
Alcoholism Was Sneaking Up On Me
After a year two nights became into every day. I would get home from work to cook dinner open a bottle
of wine. I would cook and drink and before I knew it I was in bed by 8:00 every night. I worked until 5:00
each day. Pretty soon I noticed that I could not wait to get home to open my wine. I started to think about
drinking throughout my day. I would look at the clock and count the hours to 5:00.
The Obsession Was Taking Control
I worked for a family business so I started leaving an hour early to get home to drink. I always made dinner
sipped on my wine. When the kids would go to bed, I started on my second bottle. I was now drinking two
bottles of wine a day. My wine intake was increasing but still I thought it was normal not a big deal. I notice
I was getting up later for work feeling awful. This is when I started having a glass of wine before work to
make myself feel better. I knew that was not normal but it got me started into my day.
I Created Ways To Drink Throughout The Day
At work I started to offer to go pick up lunch for everyone at work just so I could have a glass of wine. I though;
“Ok. Now I only four more hours till dinner and wine.” This was definitely not normal but I ignored it. After a year
of doing this and drinking almost all day I realized I have a problem. I confide in my husband. I have a problem
I Still Was Not Sure I Was An Alcoholic
My husband told me not to tell anyone not to put a label on myself. I was scared because I knew I could not stop.
I decided to go to an AA meeting. I went and could not say I was an alcohol. I said I’m Denise not sure if I’m
alcoholic for about 3 months until I started identifying with everyone’s stories in the rooms. I was an alcoholic
for sure. I went to the noon meeting for four and half years.
I Did Not Make An Effort To Treat My Alcoholism
I would go late and leave early with no sponsor. Certainly, I was not doing my step work. I was miserable.
Wishing each day away, I was 45 and not happy. I was dry of alcohol but empty. We all know what this got me.
Yes I was drunk again and in relapse. I could not stay sober.
I Justified, Rationalized And Denied My Alcoholism
I thought it’s been a while I can drink. It was ok for about two weeks. Then I was right back to drinking
everyday morning, noon, and night. I did this for a year. My family and friends started questing my drinking.
I would deny it and started hiding bottles around the house so I would never run out keeping my drinking
under control in front of friends and family. I thought I had them fooled. The only one I was fooling was myself.
After another year or so back to AA I go. I could not stay sober.
I Made Dishonest Efforts
This time with a sponsor that I lied to. I would go to AA and tried “controlled drinking”. My daughters were
getting angry they were older know and noticing I was not working the program. My life was spinning
out of control. I went from a 5-day work week to a 4-day work week so I could have another full day of
drinking. The kids were at school I thought I can sober up before they get home, well that never happened.
My Life Became Unmanageable And I needed To Make Excuses
My life became unmanageable. I was lying. I was skipping from one liquor store to the next. I would make up
stories and tell people I was overworked tired and stress. Sickness was showing all over me.Keeping up with my daily
activities was impossible. There wasn’t an hour of the day that I wasn’t drunk. No longer caring about my home or work
because I was a drunk. I could not stay sober.
I Went Back To AA For The worst Reasons
Bad intentions set me up for failure once more. Only going to AA to make my family happy all the while I was still miserable,
We know what happened,.I drank. In my insanity, I thought a change in location would work. My family lived in Florida.
My oldest was married and one in college. It was just my youngest and me. We moved to Florida in July 2016.
I said to myself, “When I get to Florida and I am settled, I will go to AA and stop drinking.” Less than twenty-fours hours in florida and I was off to the wine store..
I Was Not Going To Let Alcoholics Anonymous Work
One month is all I could hide it from my family. Family came over for the talk. I was busted. The talk stared out with;
“You need rehab”. I was so against that a 30-day program. “I’m not that bad!”, I proclaimed. The intervention was
intense. Pressure to go, I went to Rehab..
Off To Rehab
Rehab was 30 days. It seemed to go well. I came home sober stayed sober for 4 months. Again I started drinking.
I though[ “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this?” Going through the motions when I got out indicated
that,I was not ready. They say, “When the pain gets great enough we will change.” The pain was not great enough.
My family gave up on me. My daughter moved in with her sister and I was off to sober living. I have never
felt so lonely and like a complete failure in all my life. Disappointment, pain and same seemed to be all that
was left of my life.
I Am Back To Alcoholics Anonymous For The Right Intentions
This time, I got sponsor and I work my steps and stay in recovery. I must this for me and my girls. This is the hardest
thing I ever had to do, I will die. There is no choice. The guilt and remorse I feel is unbearable. The pain and heartache I
have caused is disgusting. My girls need their mom back and I need to find myself.
Recovery Must Come First
Recovery must come first. Putting it second never worked. I’m taking care of myself with the support of my girls,
I’m finally ready. We all are ready. Praying to my higher power every day to guide me in my journey is my only hope.
At forty-nine years old, enough is enough. Nine years of in and out of AA must stop. Support and friends in AA is wonderful.
The beautiful women in sober living with offer great wisdom on sobriety. They have something I want.
Sober Living Is Key To My Recovery
The wisdom in the house is incredible. Sitting back and just listening to the suggestions, stories to gain the knowledge
from the experienced women made me realize I was finally having an open mind. This is a new beginning for me that I’m taking seriously so I can pass the message on to other women who need help and are still suffering.