Recent Relapse, Feelings And Resentments

Recent Relapse And People In Recovery

Recent Relapse And Feelings

A recent relapse was not planned. Sometimes everyone thinks that you can predict what your going to do and use, but I really didn’t. I started feeling really angry and annoyed with things that could of been handled appropriately. But, I felt that if I had shared exactly how I was feeling then people would have looked at me differently.

Opportunities And Gratitude

I had the opportunity of a lifetime right before my recent relapse. I was able to go pick my daughter up from Ocala, and bring her to Da Vinci to stay with me for a few days. How wonderful is that?!!!  But, I didn’t consider everything before bringing her.  I felt really sad that I couldn’t take her places and buy her things. In reality I should have stopped and just been grateful to have her here with me.  And I was, but I’m an addict, and we want more sometimes.  That wanting more and having to have more got me into a lot of trouble. It made me hurt the friends that truly care about me.  Friends that have my back.

Away From People In Recovery

I started holding resentments for it.  Instead of reaching out and asking for suggestions, I got all in my head.  And, I became bitter about the things I was feeling.  So, my genius mind starting telling itself that maybe I should just get away.  Maybe I needed time to myself.  Time away from the people in recovery.  Well big mistake!!!!

The Relapse

As soon as I leave my zone of people in recovery, I fall flat on my face.  I ended taking a pill and drinking. I thought well I’ll just do it once.  The whole time telling myself “just today, and tomorrow I wont”.  Well, then my mind was playing tricks on me.  I was wanting to “just get away for the day”.  So, I asked to if I could have an overnight.  And by the grace of god I was drug tested before told yes or no.   My test was positive, and it all came out “in the wash”.

Blessings In Disguise

So many things happened that got in my way that day.  Things that later turned out to be a blessing.  And most especially, probably saved my damn life.  My sponsor just so happened to show up that same day.  She sensed something was “off” about me.  So, out of no where she came by to take me to a meeting.

Loosing Site Of Gratitude

My point is that it is so easy to slip up and relapse.  It happens that quick.  Nothing was wrong in my life, as in no deaths, or break ups etc.  My job’s going great.  I even got my licence back.  So many things are going good in my life. I had gained my trust back from people I care about.   Man what’s wrong with me?!!!!

Recovery Takes Work

There were signs!  There are always signs!  Once again, I wasn’t working my recovery.  I wasn’t calling my sponsor, or doing step work.  My thinking was that by just going to meetings would enough.  I wasn’t taking advantage of my people in recovery, of my people in the rooms.  And, that was obviously not enough to stay clean. Well I’m living proof that “just meetings” don’t work.  You have to include other things with going to your meetings.  Things like, having a good sponsor.  A sponsor that will call you out on your shit!  Actually getting into and working the steps.  It’s a simple program.

Grateful And Blessed

So, just for today I’m gonna take a step back.  I’m gonna look at the consequences of my actions before reacting and doing what I want.  Going forward I will reach out to the people in recovery.  To just be GRATEFUL for what I do have today. We always want more.  But someone told me if I’m patient and keep doing the next right thing, things will fall into place when its time. Writing about my recent relapse is to hopefully help someone out there not relapse.  To know there are options when they are feeling the same way I was.  I’m very GRATEFUL and BLESSED to be at Da Vinci today!


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