Substance Abuse Problems

 Substance abuse problems made my life hopeless. I hated myself and how I let my substance abuse spiral out of control. Shooting up pills daily and drinking myself to sleep every single night was my life. Constantly on edge with anxiety and depression. Though I was working two jobs, I was inwardly a scared little girl who knew her time was coming to an end.

I knew at a young age that I was different. That I didn’t quite fit in with the rest of society. Always managing how others viewed me and trying to become like everyone else. The days of worshiping my creator God were long since gone and I had nothing left. Nightly sweats were so bad that my sheets were soaked as if i had just washed them. Food was no existent and didn’t care about anything but myself. Everyone that was closest to me I lied to and manipulated. In the end I was only lying to myself. I was mistakenly thinking that outward appearance was working and no one knew that I had substance abuse problems.

My run finally ended when I finally was caught and fired for stealing from work. I then shortly found myself in the presence of my mother and father who had no idea why this was happening to them, yet again. I had tried to get sober before but it didn’t last longer than a year and a half. They hated me too. They wanted there daughter back. I tried to manage my substance abuse without having a job and things turned from bad to worse. I told my parents about my substance abuse problems and showed them my scars. They were horrified. I remember my mom crying hysterically hugging me telling me she didn’t want me to kill myself.

I stole everything I could get my hands on from my family. Exhausted them of ever trying or wanting to help me ever again. I was a bad daughter, friend and I couldn’t stay faithful to anyone in relationships. My thinking was that the world owed me something. In no way was I grateful for what I had instead I wanted more. I wanted it all without having to work for it, and didn’t care what it cost.  My substance abuse problems put my mom into a deep and dark depression almost killing her.  A relationship with my father was not at all an option.

Shortly after I came clean about my substance abuse, three cops cars surrounded my parents house. Immediately I knew my freedoms were going to be ripped from me.  The knock came at the door and I was taken to jail with my parents left crying in the foyer of my once filled with love home. All the opportunities to succeed were in my possession but I never wanted to work hard or do the right thing. Just give me the easy way out. And always searching for love in all the wrong places. Truly lost, to the point that I didn’t recognize myself.  The grace of God saved me from getting charged with seven felony counts of defrauding a merchant. While in that jail cell I found God and peace.

I mourned over my horrible display of a life. But the good thing was that it forced me to get sober. I was beginning to gain clarity. I wanted to have a happy life but just couldn’t seem to understand how to let God take control over my life. When I went to court my parents were worried to death. They were crying and unable to look at me sitting there in shackles. I got up to face the judge and the most miraculous thing happened, I didn’t get prison time. The state lowered my charges to 6 misdemeanor and 1 felony charge. I was even more amazed when they decided that they would send me to a local transitional house and if I graduated and paid my probation fines I would receive pardon for my crimes.

It was hard to stay sober in the beginning. Now I have a sponsor, she took me through the book and I’m working my steps. As well as a home group and started doing small service commitments. Feeling better day by day. I have graduated the transitional living residence, and am currently still on probation.  My life is happy, joyous and free for the fist time. My parents and I have begun to rebuild our relationship. I am coming up on ten months sober and I am so excited to see what the future holds.  Hard work allowed me to pay for the vehicle I now have.  Currently I am a full time employee and in the training process for assistant manager. Recovery allows rent and bills are paid on time. A life filled with love, hope and peace.

God is my steadfast companion now. He does for me what I cannot do by myself, and am truly amazed at the gifts recovery has to offer. Finally putting in the hard work and becoming the person I was always meant to be. I am truly grateful for the first time in my life. Today I can look the world in the eye. Additionally, I am beginning to forgive and love myself. Life is hard at times but I refuse to give up and rest on my laurels. I am committed to my recovery, I pray this finds you well. There is always hope, even though it may not look or feel like it.

Jill