Uncategorized Archives * Page 4 of 22 * Da Vinci Recovery Homes Inc.

Moral Failing And Addiction Are Autonomous

Moments Of Enlightenment

Recovery has been providing me with moments of enlightenment. Specifically concerning this blog moral failing vs addiction. I often turn my head to the sky, toward the sun, and think “this is the same sun that warms the faces of my children today”. It is my only physical tie to my children as of late.

An Unexpected Call

That is until the call came. It was my mother. Her words were few, only stating my name followed by “hold on, your son wants to speak to you”. My heart fluttered and galloped within my chest as I held on with bated breath. It had been 134 days since I heard my sons voice. His voice registered in my ears, and I exhaled with an audible tremble. It was as if I had been holding it since we last spoke months prior. His voice had deepened, no longer sounding like a child. What have I missed? Most importantly- what have I done…

Acceptance Not Endorsement

One of the most difficult aspects of sobriety at this point is accepting the immense turmoil and suffering that I have inflicted upon my family, especially to my children. I have been told by those with greater time in sobriety that I must accept what I have done. Acceptance does not imply endorsement of any past actions. Accept I must if I am to continue my path.

Poor Parenting Or Moral Failing

I grew up in a household wrought with addiction, full of uncertainty and chaos. There were many times that I would pray for my parents to stop the constant unpredictable behavior. I did not think of it as a disease, but at the very least poor parenting, and at worst a moral failing. My thought was, “if they love us children then they will simply stop”. I was certain that when I had children of my own I would never cause such pain. There was such profound disdain within me for those that I felt chose substances over their children.

Addiction Is Not A Moral Failing

I did not understand, nor could I empathize. You see, good reader, I became all that I said I would never become. An alcoholic, more precisely, an alcoholic mother. I know now that addiction is not a moral failing. Rather, ones decision making ability is so greatly diminished that immoral decisions become the norm. The addict suffers spiritually, right along with the physical and emotional aspects of addiction.

Contrition Does Not Suffice

I am powerless over my past. I can not change what I have done to those that I love more than words can express. No act of contrition will suffice. However, I do know one thing for certain. I will not have to feel the deep pangs of remorse, should I not pick up a drink under any circumstances.

A Meaningful Gift

My gift of despair can be properly used for the greater good. I can begin repairing and rebuilding relationships and have a chance of happiness and peace in my life. During the conversation with my son, something took me completely by surprise. He offered his forgiveness without reservation, a gift undeserved. Both of us weeping, I said “I love you so much Son, so very very much.” In a quiet voice he replied, “I love you Mom”. The sweetest four words I had heard in 134 days, and the most meaningful gift of sobriety I have received thus far.

Until next week good reader, CB

Self Work Brings Drastic Changes

Self work has brought on a drastic change from where I was then and where I am now. And it’s all thanks to recovery and being willing to live this new way of life. In the beginning I was so scared of getting clean only because using was comfortable. I knew that at some point I was going to have to look deep inside of myself and figure out who Lauren was. I was more afraid of looking at what I’ve done.

Unexplainable Relief

This past year I’ve been able to do a lot of self work. I did my fourth step thoroughly and was able to look at my part in a lot of things. The biggest thing I got to work on and work through was the abuse. I was afraid of ever admitting some things that have happened which were not my fault, but to me they were embarrassing. Once I was able to get that out and talk about it the type of relief it gave me was unexplainable.

Sixth Step And Character Defects

I am now on my sixth step. That means I’m working on my Character defects. So far I realize that I have way more Character defects than I thought. But by being able to look at my Character defects I am able to open myself up for change. I’m able to allow my higher power in to remove me of some of my Character defects. Now I know with work in the sixth step that not all my Character defects are just going to up and vanish. But I do know that I can work on them.

Need For Daily Self Work

One of my biggest Character defects is having expectations. And being vulnerable scares me. The thing is I put expectations on someone else that I’m not willing to on myself. Why? Because I’m scared to be vulnerable. So with doing daily self work and coming into contact with these Character defects, I can hopefully make changes in that area of my life.

Hopeless, Helpless And Feeling Less

A year ago I came into a transitional house with nothing. I came in hopeless, helpless and feeling less. The only thing I knew was that I was miserable and tired of being sick and tired. I drained myself of any emotions that I had. A couple of years ago my license was taken. I never thought I would be able to get my license back. Through all this I have practice patience. And I knew that when the time came it would be the right time.

Self Work Creates Self Love

A few weeks ago I went and got my license back, and shortly after that went with my friend to get a car . Now I have a car, am able to do alot more things especially with my kid and get around to work easier. Still though, I remain humble and know that if I put anything in front of my recovery I will surely lose it. Soon I will be going into a salaried position at work and making my way up the ladder. Never did I think I would get this far, but I have. I have a place to call home, friends that turned into family and a life beyond my wildest dreams. Today because of self work I am a better version of myself, and I love that girl today. My name is Lauren and I’m an addict. My clean date is April 29th of 2017.

Grateful recovering addict, Lauren

Finding Companionship

Spiders wouldn’t be considered the way to find companionship, but this story is amazing. You never know where you’ll be when you learn something that will interest you for the rest of your life. About 3 years ago I went to prison to service my sentence of a year and one day. This story is not about me or my journey though. Rather, It’s about several other women and what they did to find companionship while doing their time.

Prison Pets

As the work day was ending and the women would come home to their dorms, I observed quite a few of them with cups and toilet paper rolls sitting on their bunks holding something very tiny. I worked with one of the girls named Heather in culinary. So I went over to talk to her and she had two spiders. And, these little guys were her pets.

Meet “Ophelia, the Monster”

One’s name was Ophelia, the Monster. Ophelia, the Monster loved to climb all the way up her head to the top and play with her ponytail. She would hold them and they would jump off her hand make a web and climb back up. This was a game they could play for hours and hours. I found this interaction very adorable. When Heather would go to work in the kitchen she would find them little snacks like moths, flies and ants.

Coming Together

We had another girl in our dorm, we’ll call her Merch. Merch had 5 spiders of her own. One day, while at work, she got herself into some trouble and went to lock. You’re probably thinking the cops would have found and killed her five pets while packing up her belongings. But no way these ladies were prepared to get each other’s back in case of an emergency. And this was an emergency. One of the girls had her locker combination, and so five different women each took a spider till she did her time in lock. I was quite impressed.

Shakedowns In Prison

From time to time we would have shakedowns in the prison dorm. This is when the officers would search for any contraban and dispose of it. During the searches a spider or two would be found. Unfortunately the police didn’t value the spiders lives and would squash them. This was always very hard on these women. Trying to protect their beds 24/7 in a prison is very difficult.

Spider Personalities

What always impressed me was how each spider looked. Each spider had their own little personalities, just like any other pet would. Some were personable and some were just plain old stubborn. Heather’s two spiders were so friendly. Although they definately loved Heather the best. They would let you hold them, but with these spiders they would just stay on your hand. But with Heather they would climb all over. It was actually adorable. Each spider had beautiful eyes. What I found so cute was how the spiders would literally put their arms up. It was as if they were saying “pick me up mom”.

Trips To Work

There were days Heather would take Ophelia, the Monster to work with her. When we had a break Heather would then take Ophelia, the Monster home to her little bomb-shelter to keep her safe. A few of her spiders had been found before, and the police would kill them. That absolutely devastated her. She actually felt guilty when they would be killed. She enjoyed them a lot.

No-one Left Behind

Then the day came when Heather was going home. At the time of her release she had three spiders. She wasn’t planning on leaving them behind. Actually, she was counting on the officer who was releasing her that day to be a little lazy that morning and not do a thorough search. She had them in three different compartments. And sure enough all four of them left that day. All alive and well.

Prison Pass Time Becomes A Business

Since then I’ve spoke to Heather. She’s now in the spider business and breeding them. As of now she has two different kinds of spiders and over a hundred babies. They sell for $15 and $20. Heather has her own Facebook page called Ophelia, the Monster with over 1000 followers. Heather has many little aquariums in her bedroom and sometimes a little buggers gets loose. She keeps a few adults as her pets like Ewok, Padme the Hunter, Fat Bottom Girl, Pi the Groomer, Mr. Bubbler and Ripley. Padme the Hunter always raises her arms in triumph after her catch. Ripley’s the mama of some of the babies. Heather says her babies are a handful and they’re bad kids.

Cycle of Life

Something Heather shared with me is that she believes she has spider PTSD from prison. She’s always to trying to keep them safe and sound. As spiders age they slow down. The gripping hair on their feet often wear off so they have trouble climbing. And therefore they eat less and less. Old spiders often lose the ability to build new sacks. What happens is the spiders do not change their enclosure or remove the resting Sac. Often spiders show some particular symptoms before dying. Most often hanging out on the bottom of their enclosure as a sign they won’t be around much longer. They usually live to be one year to 2 years old.

The thing is Heather found a companion with Ophelia, the Monster. It’s incredible to me that she was able to take her home. What’s also incredible is the bond Ophelia, the Monster created for Heather and I. Two different people brought together in an uncommon place by an uncommon friend. Too Cool!

-Virginia

Resentments From Being A People Pleaser

I have not always been a people pleaser, but as soon as I decided to get sober that happened. My thought was that people would like me better. I found it easier to do that than to really say what I was feeling at the time. Confrontation can be tricky. Either you’re the one saying how you feel or you’re hearing the other person feelings. My problem is one of two things. I either let things slide or my temper blows up. Then I end up walking around with a resentment towards that person.

A Respected Quality

Mean what you say and say what you mean, right? Nice thought, but not that easy to do at times. If I think about it, the people I respected had that quality about them. And, I do really like to know where I stand with people. This is definitely one of my challenges I face daily.

Setting Boundaries

I am in recovery and every person deserves to be treated kindly. However, the word no sometimes needs to be said. Or maybe even, I am not willing to do that or this is unacceptable to me. You can say what you mean with out being rude, or in a kind tone of voice. It is taking me a little to get this down, without people pleasing or saying it too harsh. It’s a challenge, but with practice I should be able to change my people pleaser behavior. After all I owe it to my self to give respect and receive it.

Changing People Pleaser Behaviors

I know that having a sponsor changed the way that I look at recovery. I feel part of a group that I belong. For me, I could be standing in a crowd of people and still feel so alone. Never mind trying to handle a confrontation with out loosing my temper. The cool part that I am seeing is I am changing. I am willing to learn how to live a better way of life. As well as learning how to take suggestions even though I might not feel like it at the time. I am willing to try to change behaviors that are not healthy for me. In the end it will only make me a much happier person. No, life is not always fair. However, I am responsible for my actions and how I speak to others. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. But I can try do that in a kind way going forward.

~Anonymous

“Create” Defined My First Year

We enter recovery to change, grow and create a new healthy self. During my journey in recovery I acquired a new tool, bullet journals. I am now on year three of my bullet journals. When I start a new bullet journal, I like to start the journal with a word that will define my year. The first year I started the word was “create”. And create was what I did. My first creation was starting my own business. I created a transitional home for women recovering from addiction. This in turn created a new me. I gave my skills to my fellowship, and I expanded on that and learned how to express myself in video and photography.

“Patience” Defined My Second Year

The second year, The word I gave myself was “patience”. Because I was inspired by the previous year’s word “create”, patience became very important. The need to take care of my blessings and grow my business arrived. I felt the pressure to grow my business and relationships. And though I didn’t do patience perfectly, I did it well enough that by year three I hadn’t put myself into any commitments, financially or emotionally. I did gain stability. Now I possess more patience than I thought I could ever have. I was patient with my finances. Nor did I push relationships with my kids or the man I was seeing. The funny thing about patience is that it pays you more in heart break and finacial dividends than any other spiritual principle, but feels so uncomfortable at the time. They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. My belief is that phrase is only used when we don’t have the patience to wait and see. This year of “patience” gave me more than the year of “create.” I really should do a seperate blog about that.

My Year To “Grow”

But I will get on with the subject of this blog-year three. This year my word was “grow”. I meant that in every sense of the word. It was my desire to grow in my program and finish another set of twelve steps and do more service work. Additionally, I wanted to grow my business and open another transitional home. This time a home for men. I had recieved patience but it seemed like the world was loosing patience with my patience and I was recieving a lot of pressure to open the second house. In my personal relationships, specificly, my romantic relationship. I had practiced patience and open mindedness in the hopes that relationship would become more intimate by growing together as partners in a home, business and shared life responsibilities, AKA- commitment. My want to grow my personal friendships and learn to have more intimate friendships with the amazing women in my life. The want to grow my trust in the universe and become more vunerable because this would allow me to help more people. And, I wanted to grow my credibility with banks and persued cleaning the wreckage of my past with creditors.

Hindsight

What actually happened. And I giggle now because sometimes logic just evades me and hindsight is twenty-twenty. So you can use that phrase even when you have all the patience in the world. This blog will be long enough without adding an analogy, but I am going to use one. And its one of my own so this should be fun.

My Farm Analogy

Follow me now to a farm in Iowa, USA. I have a beautiful corn and soy farm with rolling hills and gorgeous black soil. On this farm I have created beautiful red barns for all the pigs and coops for the chikens. Patience was practiced and didn’t buy all the best irrigators or auto milk pumps for the cows, and now, though I am humble, the other farmers see me as legitimate farmer and they share their experience with me, as well as a few resources. Patience and creativity have paid off! I love my farm and I love my life! But the calling is there. I need to grow. I need to grow in a meaningful way. Not just adding more high tech equiptment to make an already easy life easier. I need to meet the communities needs. Even though I have a great routine and properly rotate my crops, I am becoming irrelevent. I discover that growing blue berries is the best way to meet my communities needs. Ok great! I add blue berries in between the rows of corn. I put up some bee hives that are needed to pollinate the blue berries around the farm. In a short while it is mayhem. The corn and soy are being choked by the blue berries and then soon afterward, my blue berries are doing terrible because they are not being pollinated correctly because the pigs disturb the hives, helping themselves to honey and the chickens are feasting on the bee larva. my farmer friends have no experince or resources to help me to fix this. They only know about corn, soy, pigs and chickens My farm has gone to shit!

Grow vs. Relinquish

Why?! Why has it all gone to shit? It has gone to shit because the farmers word in her bullet journal was “grow”. The word should have been “reliinquish”. I had already acknowledged that corn and soy were not meeting my communities needs, yet I was unable to let go of my corn and soy. My error was that I loved my farmer friends but didn’t acknowledge that on my blueberry journey, I was going to need new friends. I wanted a new way to meet the communities needs but I wasn’t willing to relinquish what I was already comfortable with.

Deeper Connections

To speak plainly and directly now, I wanted deeper connections with friends but I had friends who were not comfortable with deeper friendships, as well as I had friends who wanted to be the only deep friendship and I inadvetently kept some friends at a distance to “respect” the first friend. I also had friends that wanted me to keep relationships in compartments that were their ideals and not my own. I had my own ideals about friendships that I made as business but had developed into more but my own fears kept those friendships stunted. In some cases I already had a great relationship, but I was trying to make it fit a definition. I am talking about my sons. I have a great relationship with all three of my sons but not if I try to make it by the definition of my own “mom/son” standards. My romantic relationship, I simply had to relinquish. I was not making him happy. I had to relinquish the idea that there was something wrong with him because he didn’t appreciate the awesomness that was me. Rejection sucks. I also had to relinquish the idea that I could make him happy and still be happy myself. Believe it or not that took five years and a lot of very dramatic, chaotic, emotional hell, to relinquish. But I would definetly have chaos if I did like the blueberries and tried to keep the corn too. Thats a dark joke. In all seriousness, we have to let each other go in order to grow a new relationship.

Surrender To Win

They say it all the time. “They” as in the old timers in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. “You have to surrender to win.” In order to grow I had to let go of a mega shit ton.

My romantic relationship was going nowhere, fast. I quickly accepting that the priority this relationship had was not in alignment with what it deserved. He wanted me to make it a priority but he didn’t want any commitment other than to have fun together. Fair enough we are both approaching our 50’s, keeping it light was alright with me, but then I have a business as well as friends, children and my own recovery, the “lighter side” relationship, was indeed last in my priorities. Resentment was building from the he time he consumed. Resentful of a relationship that would not go deeper. And those frustrations were distractions from my goals to grow. The decision was made to surrender and relinquish that relationship. Relief was received as an instant reward from the universe.
The Men”s House was something I still wanted. And, I will open a men’s house but for now the universe had other ideas. Through Da Vinci Home I hosted a grand opening event with a firewalk! I made plans with a local apartment complex to rent a very large apartment. Patiently I waited while they made upgrades on the units. The day I was to sign the lease, I was informed that the complex was going through some legal issues and I could no longer rent from them. So began the whole process of finding the right location again. Once again I surrendered and relinquished that plan for now.
The idea that I could do everything all by myself had to be relinquished. I was attempting to run my own online magazine, with all the content and media it required. Yes it is this blog site you are reading now. From the very first day, I knew Da Vinci was going to open, I knew that I would not waste a precious moment of all the experience I would gain. As well as somehow share all the experience the women who came through Da Vinci had to share. Helping women get recovery was my first priority, because every addict saved is another addict to spread the message. My second priority was always to spread the message of recovery using digital media. This positive world of recovery is so rarely shared. We hear so much in the news of what addicts do wrong, but not of the incredible justice served to a community that encourages strong recovery. But I couldn’t any longer do it alone. Combined with mentoring the women of Da Vinci and trying to keep up with all the new content, I was not getting anywhere alone. I needed help.
This one is the most important of all four. I had to surrender that a relationship that I had with my very first client had grown beyond professional. She had become my dear friend. No, she also wasn’t the most model client. But Lissi and I connected. And a friendship with the rarest of bonds was formed.

Looking For Growth

Lissi and I have had triumphs and set backs in the almost 2 years we have been friends. It didn’t happen all at once and it kinda did. But over those two years we have both been there for each other and we have both let each other down. In recovery, you learn to take your own part in things, so that is the part of this story I will stick to. Besides it is in taking your part in things that growth happens and I am in the end of this looking for growth.

Regrets And Resentments

In my attempts to keep my relationship purely professional, I listened to other clients when they accused me of “liking her better”. I can’t really tell you in truth if that is true. Yes, I enjoyed her company and her humor for sure. I reside at Da Vinci and know ALL of my clients well. And, I am proud to say that all of my clients enjoy living and growing at Da Vinci. I know that she had no more or no less consequences than other clients. Further I know I had not done her any more favors than I had for any other clients. Therefore when the women I cared about felt neglected, I spent many months pushing Lissi away. Moreover I was harder on her for house infractions. That is a regret now. It must have made her feel very lonely to loose my companionship and only have companionship that had resentments. No worries, in the end she persevered, but not due to me being a good friend during those times.

A Friend’s Violation

There came a day when Lissi violated the terms of her community control. What a horrible day that was! And despite the fact that I had pushed her away, another resident had maliciously told her probation officer, I favored her and was enabling her to violate her probation. This was not true. So now our friendship was causing her harm. That sucked! She was in jail for 84 days.

Deserving Of Friendship

During that time, I talked with the girls at Da Vinci. Every Tuesday we have a house meeting. The house was divided with mixed reviews about what happened. There was no doubt about if she was coming home but some had their concerns. Lissi does indeed possess a strong personality. I assured everyone that jail was not going to take that away. But it was my son who privately told me that I deserve a friendship, and that Lissi coming back to Da Vinci not as my client but as my friend was alright. That I should clearly stop containing a client relationship and allow our friendship to grow. I never was responsible for Lissi’s recovery anyway. I was responsible for Da Vinci. To provide a safe place, free of drugs and chaos. It was important to maintain a home with an environment and culture of recovery, introduce them to a 12 step program and fellowship, as well as give them opportunities with other resources to learn they never have to use again. More it was a home to get a job and be comfortable enough to become independent, uncomfortable enough that they would want to grow. Thirteen women easily supplies the uncomfortableness.

Friendship Keeps Growing

Lissi was released from jail. And yes, she needed my friendship. But time would tell that I needed her friendship as much. By relinquishing the old bonds of our relationship, I was able to help Lissi more than ever, but more it allowed her to return that friendship, as she had always wanted too. My online magazine is getting even better attention than needed! I also started my own social media company! It’s not the men’s house yet, but was given this by the universe and hopefully will be able to help and hire more addicts into this industry. She is relentless in her pursuit of making Da Vinci Productions grow. The business growth could not have been accomplished on my own. I am grateful for her help, her encouragement, her humor, her company and her friendship.

Grow As A Mentor

I have made some sacrifices and she has as well. We share a bedroom like all the other residents do. That means she sleeps with a pig. Unlike the rest of the residents. I relinquished some of my personal space, but she has provided comfort during the time I have lost a romantic relationship. By relinquishing the old relationship, it has allowed her to help me with my other plans to grow. I have gained so much more motivation. By relinquishing some of my tasks I am no longer overwhelmed. And the biggest gift of all? Is that giving up the old ideas and sharing my burdens with a dear and trusted friend, I am much better as a mentor. I am indeed more free to spend time with the other women of Da Vinci. Truly I am blessed with a house full of wonderful women with outstanding recovery. My decision to let go and let in a friend and now I am so much more able to be there for all these incredible women, that have now become even more dear to me.

Angie H