Branded Wounds
Shame and Obsession are two elements that comprise what I refer to as my branded wounds, which comprise my branded wounds. The cycle of addiction has forever changed every facet of my life. I have been foolishly dishonest with myself, those that I love, and all I came in contact with during active addiction. I would hide behind this false mask of normalcy. My logic being if I did not show my pain or insecurity then all would be well. I could conceal my true form behind the thick blanket of isolation and self delusion, and simply shut the world and all in it out.
Relapse Brings More Guilt And Shame
This dishonesty robbed me of any ability to make any lasting intimate connections with any human. The fact was that I could not give anyone anything of value since I had lost who I was completely. My true self orbited out like a distant, lonely cold planet far from the warmth of a life giving sun. Addiction is akin to an rotating orbit, tilted on the axis of isolation and suffering. Feelings of failure would overtake me, rocketing and flinging me into another relapse. The relapse would cause more guilt and shame. For which would lead to more use, and so the continued orbit.
Forcing An Inward Search
At the end as I roused from the drunken and drugged stupor. I was filled with the slap of red-cheeked shame personified. The sting of it like a branded wound upon soft flesh . Shame is much different than guilt in my humble opinion. Shame clings and sticks to ones inner woven fabric like sticky sap, forcing an inward search to remove the residue of uncleanliness.
Steadfast Resilience
Today I tend my most deeply felt of these wounds. They eventually shall heal, forming unseen scars that I may trace delicately and feel the surface and texture. In time I will not experience the exquisitely sharp edge of pain as when they were first inflicted. Scars, seen or unseen can represent the steadfast resilience to continue onward despite temporary physical or emotional pain, and prove that despite all that has happened. We yet still stand. With this I will leave you, the good reader, with a poem by Dylan Thomas.
Shapes And Forms Of Obsession
Obsession has taken many shapes and forms in the course of my life. I can recall even as a child that I could easily be entrapped in the snare of time consuming thought patterns. I would sit for many hours at the kitchen table pouring over text books, writing then rewriting a particular assignment.
The Feeling Of Belonging
At age 10 or 11 it was not uncommon for me to stay up until 11 pm inspecting the quality of my work. At age 13, I had my first drink of alcohol. That may be an understatement of sorts. In actuality I ingested half a bottle of liqueur. I was in the garage of my childhood home with a group of girlfriends from school and I managed to abscond the alcohol from my fathers cabinet and hurried to show the bounty off. My fellow peers pulled small drinks from the bottle, coughing and gagging on the foul taste. I on the other hand, obsequiously downed half the bottle. Head light, spinning with Ferris Wheel like movement, a newly budding feeling sprouted- the feeling of belonging.
Obsession Takes Other Footholds
This is the moment I feel when the obsession to consume substances, to alter my state of being began in earnest. This progressed throughout high school and picked up locomotive steam in adulthood. In sobriety I have learned that should we not change our behaviors and framework of thinking. We will still live similar lives as we did in active addiction. The obsession will just take a foothold in an other area, be that risky relationships, shopping, gambling, or any myriad of possible vices.
Present To Lesson Compulsion
Presently can find myself becoming consumed with pervasive thoughts of past circumstances and future uncertainty. I am however learning, with much effort, to remain present. Doing so seems to lesson the compulsion to ruminate over things I simply have no power over currently. The present is the only moment I truly have any influence over after all. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind when pondering on the topic of obsession.
May we all be granted such Wisdom. Until next week, good reader. -CB
