Resident Blogs

Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery

I am an addict.  And, like any addict I am stubborn and want to do things my way.  However, my way and my will has gotten me nowhere except frustrated, let down, and discouraged.  Like they say in recovery, let go and let your Higher Power guide you.  Letting go also comes with taking suggestions, which is not such a bad thing.  And, that’s exactly what I have been doing.  I’m now getting a lot of things back in recovery and it feels good.  It’s giving me more confidence, and self-esteem.  Today I am being blessed with new relationships and with the opportunity to begin rebuilding the damaged relationships.

A Big First

So, I am going on a date.  Sounds simple, but this is an over night date for the first time in recovery.  I am nervous as hell!  I know why; it’s been a long time since I have had sex with someone while being completely clean and sober. I feel silly being nervous,but it’s a big step for me. This is a big first for me in recovery, and I just want it to be perfect.  Yes, although I know Perfection is not reality I just want it to go smoothly.  Most important though is I am excited to have another positive experience in recovery.

Co-parenting

I am even beginning to have an adult relationship with my ex-husband.  We are able to talk about me having visitation unsupervised with my daughter.  Just the idea of this possibility is a blessing I’ve received because of working my recovery.  I spoke with other women in recovery, and took suggestions. I backed off pressing this communication with him.  Instead of taking my will, I let things fall into place and they did!   Six months ago my daughter would barely talk to me.  Through suggestions I learned to back off and let the relationship develop naturally, instead of trying to push relationship, which is what I was doing.  And what happened was absolutely wonderful.  I was able to see my daughter get braces yesterday, because she asked me to be there.  She wanted me to be a part of this milestone in her life.

No Matter What

It is so much easier to listen, take suggestions, and to be in the present.  To allow my recovery to come first, and see what it can do for me, for my daughter; the important relationships.  It is amazing the gifts I am starting receive, the best one though is my believing in myself.  The confidence I have gained from staying in the program no matter what!

-anonymous

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Work Through Everything

My name is Lauren and I am an addict. I have been clean and sober for almost ten months. This time around I chose to do things differently. I have been in and out of the rooms for years now, and never quite understood why I kept going back out.  Especially, when I would have some time clean and things were going good for me. To do things differently, this time around I took a long hard look at what was missing. It was quite simple, Self Work. Work through everything. Feelings, and why I was feeling the way I was, in pain.  Why was I trying to mask it instead of allowing the feelings in order to start to heal.  To heal from the trauma I went I experienced in my life.  Trauma I didn’t want to talk about or even face, and especially share with others.

Fearless Moral Inventory of Myself

I needed to completely surrender to the program.  I needed to let go of my reservations.  I needed to believe and trust in a power greater then myself to help guide me in my recovery. I needed to become humble and be open to suggestions. I needed to open up and talk about what I was truly feeling, and what was going on instead of bottling it up. Right now I am working through my step four. This requires me to make a searching a fearless moral inventory of myself.  A big important part of my recovery. The part where I dig deep and face all the things I have been trying to bury for so long. The understanding of myself, and why I don’t want to feel the emotions that come with the pain I have gone through.  This is when and where I Get To work through everything!

Love Myself Again

I have made some really drastic changes in my life, and have yet to make more. But I have come so far from where I once was, and that I don’t take for granted. I remain humble, and keep reminding myself from where I came. These steps are helping me love myself again.  These steps are helping me to get to know who Lauren is, the girl I’ve tried to escape from for so long.  No more short cuts, or half attempts.  Yes, the elevator is out of service and I will be taking the steps.

Grateful addict, Lauren

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My Dreams

My name is Nikki, I’m an addict today I have 506 days clean. I just started the process of going back to school. I’m excited and fucking scared at the same time.  For years I’ve been scared of following my dreams.

Vigilant in Recovery

I had a fear to come back from my relapse.  My disease told me I’d never be anything without drugs.  Here I am, 16 months clean, telling my disease to go fuck itself everyday and staying vigilant in my recovery.  Being vigilant allows me to become a better person everyday and provides me the courage of following my dreams.

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure has held me back from following my dreams, goals, and making them come true in my life.  One, because I was stuck in active addiction and I went to barber school in active addiction.  I did surprisingly well until my disease won, and I dropped out.  I had fear of being honest with my job and telling them I wanted to go to school and how I needed to switch back to days, for the past five months I’ve let that fear hold me back and last week I put in the request for day shift.  Two, I was in a relationship, and things were good.  Then my fear kicked in and I ran from that relationship.  But, I’m grateful that today I and that person are still best friends.  Our friendship is better than it was when we were together.  Three, I was scared to get my license back, I pushed through with courage made the first step and did it.

Rise and Recover

My disease always tells me I’m not worthy, and tells me I’ll never be good enough.  But, recovery and working the steps has helped me realize that I am good enough.  I am worthy of this great amazing life I live.  I’m very smart, kind, ambitious, passionate. Fear has two meanings, Face Everything And Run, or Face Everything and Rise/Recover.  Today I choose to Rise and Recover because having fear is from lack of faith. Today, I have faith  my higher power is not going to let me down.  My higher power knows what’s best for me. I just have to keep doing the footwork and have the courage to continue following my dreams. I know in putting my recovery first anything is possible.  I’m excited to start this next chapter of my life, to go to school for mechanical engineering. I’m so grateful for Narcotics Anonymous and the people in my life today.

A grateful recovering addict, Nikki

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 Honesty: Integrity, Sincerity, Openness                                                                                         Surrender: Yield,  Submit, Concede, Grant                                                                             Acceptance: Respect for, Endurance, Yes, Welcome, Belief In, Trust In, Faith In, Willingness

Being Honest

Free From Fear

Surrender The Fight

Acceptance

Back to Recovery

When I came back to recovery I swore to myself up and down that I was not going to get involved with anyone. (LOL, right?) I was so good focused solely on my recovery for a while, well really like a couple of months but lets be honest that can feel like forever when you are first getting clean again. And then he came into my life and I was like “ummm, no” until it was a maybe and then next thing I knew I was catching feelings for this supposed friend with benefits and just as quickly as it started it was ending…

Letter To Him

To the guy I thought I wanted to be with,

I want to hate you right now, be mad, cry and lash out. To blame everything on you, rip apart everything you have said and convince myself of all the assumptions running through my mind.

There are so many things I really truly like about you, but mostly I liked the consistency. I love that you are just as needy as I am, so I knew I could count on you to be there. And, truthfully, I loved you for being a little broken. You were open and honest about where you were and what you were looking for but I was going to change that, I was going to make you fall in love.

My Truth

And that is exactly how I mind fucked myself in this moment. I know my patterns. If they’re emotionally unavailable I love them, and it has taken me a little while to realize that. Well, maybe not realize it but accept that as my truth. It is a challenge and it is a chase, not as in a flavor of the week type of thing but more like a “if I can get you to like me I must not be that bad, right?” type of thing. I will chase that in hopes of boosting my own self esteem. I want you to like me, care about me, love me, all so I can love myself. But, I knew this was not going to last, it never does.

My Insanity

And this was me really trying. I tried to put up that wall, I tried to keep you out. I did not get clean again to find a boyfriend in the first guy I make eye contact with. But, then you made me feel comfortable, cared for, special. And that was the moment I knew I was screwed. I am mad at myself for letting you in. Knowing that it was going to end like this and doing it anyway, that truly is insanity. I didn’t think it was going to be different than any other time but I was doing it anyway. I distinctly remember sitting next to you in the car and looking at you dead in the eyes and saying “Are you ready for this train wreck?”

Expectations

And as stunned as you may have wanted to be, I know in your heart of hearts you knew it, just as I did. But it was so easy to get duped, and I truly mean that in the best way possible. I mean, you’re cute, you’re smart, you’re funny, etc etc. It is all new and exciting and fun until real life sets in and then I am sitting there side swiped by my unrealistic expectations.

Love Myself

I can’t blame you for not being who I wanted you to be or what I wanted us to be. Because I mean really I can’t blame you for being you. And now its my turn to be un-apologetically me. And in order to do that I need to know me and love me. If I am ever going to love you, whoever that you winds up being, I need to love myself. And that doesn’t mean there is no pain in this. It doesn’t matter how logical I can be, this is still going to take some getting used to. I catch myself checking my phone and missing your random texts throughout the day. So for now I will be happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. *Cue the T. Swift song* But, I know that I will be okay getting focused and back to my recovery. It always stings a little bit when you first rip off that band aid but that’s when you can begin to heal.

Forever,

Me

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