Surrendering Saved Me In My Addiction

surrender to live

Just Quit Drinking

This is a blog about how surrendering to my addiction saved me.  As a recovering addict, i remember not even knowing how to get clean.  I didn’t even understand how serous my disease was.  I felt all the physical symptoms.  I knew how horrific withdrawal from alcohol was.  I knew what cravings were.  I certainly felt the emotional pain of being trapped in a body that craved alcohol and simultaneously knowing that every drink was going to bring me to devastating withdrawal.  The answer seemed so simple.  Quit drinking.

Useless suggestions

All the suggestions to quit drinking seemed so vague and quite frankly not the answer.  Go to AA.  Go to a meeting when I simply couldn’t stop drinking, didn’t even seem possible.  Other suggestions to go to rehab seemed even more impossible.  After all, I had a business and children.  I had a significant other that i couldn’t abandon.  I just had to quit drinking.

Detox

I did finally call a hot line.  They directed me to a detox.  I admitted myself.  They were compassionate.  I was safely detoxed.  The exit planner,asked me how I would continue to treat my disease.  I was quite sure, I would be able to continue with sobriety myself.  All I had to do was not drink anymore.

Moderate Drinking

Three days later, I was drinking again.  Moderation was going to make me normal.  Moderation was impossible. Drinking with my boyfriend and singing karaoke was how we spent our free time.  That is how we blew off steam.  That was the foundation of our relationship.  Pretty soon he had to go blow off steam with out me.  I could not drink in moderation.

More detox and an arrest

Several more times, I tried to detox.  Eventually, I lost my business.  Eventually, I lost my boyfriend.  Eventually, I lost everything, including my freedom.  I eventually turned to other drugs.  I was not successful with that either.  I was arrested for possession.  Now I was about to see what it actually going to take for me to quit drinking.

humility is gucci
humility is a powerful armor

alcoholism and probation do not mix

Graduating Pasco County Drug Offender Probation took nearly two years.  I was suppose to only be a eighteen month probation.  I even had to option to early terminate at nine months.  Raging alcoholism and and probation do not compliment one another well.  I violated probation on June 11th, 2014 for drinking.  My clean date is June 12th 2014.  One day at a time, providing I maintain my spiritual  condition and God will, I have not had a drink since.  I have not put any drug into my body period.

A toxic romance makes things worse

I violated probation three more times and was sentenced to house arrest.  sober for an entire year, I was feeling defeated.  I was working but, I was still living in a sober house.  The man I had started a new relationship was not supportive.  quite the opposite.  He hindered my recovery at every turn.  Feeling completely alone, I thought this relationship, was all that I had.

Things get worse

Even worse, I wasn’t making enough money to pay probation, my rent or child support.  I couldn’t drive because i couldn’t afford to pay the fines.  I wasn’t reconnected with my kids.  There was no hope of finding different employment, because of the time demands of court appearances, random drugs tests, and checking in for my house arrest probation.

Giving up was the best decision

Surrender was the sweetest release.  I knew there was absolutely no way to make all of my financial obligations.  To me jail was a certainty.  What ever plans I had for my future, I gave up.  There was no point in trying to do things my way.  For the first time, I threw myself into recovery, meetings, and my support.

a choice not to suffer

The result was almost instantaneous.  Spending my time enjoying all the things I would miss, when eventually I fell far enough behind on my probation and the judge would finally violate my probation.  When I wasn’t working and attending AA and NA meetings, I was teaching myself to meditate.  Audio books that helped me to find a higher power.  Being present was becoming a state of being.  I was enjoying my fellowship.

an odd thing started to happen

An odd thing started to happen.  Waking up in the morning and setting my intentions to enjoy the day and make the most of it, changed me. Every day I was finding more peace.  More challenges would cross my path and because, I already felt defeated, I put only put direct energy toward those challenges.  I would share with my support.  When help was offered, I accepted it.  I was humble for the first time ever.  Some how, my challenges were defeated instead of me.

my loved ones started to notice

When, I talked with my children, they noticed a difference in me.  I was seeing them.  I was able to help them when they needed me.  Sharing my new experience with my family and other addicts was restoring my self esteem.  I started to feel worthy of a new life.  A life that was offered to me.  Not a life I was seeking.  Feeling awake and able to count my gratitude like resources allowed me to be my most efficient self.  I no longer chased what I didn’t have be humbly utilized what I had been blessed with.  Armed with gratitude, humility and faith blessings and opportunities came from every direction.

Accomplishments and service

Graduating drug court was the first of my relief.  I have since then recieved so many blessings.  I remain humble and vigilant.  a daily maintenance of my spiritual state of being, is the most important thing I do.  Meetings, meditation, step work and service to other addicts, keep me sober and free from my old misery.

Free from the obsession

I am free from the obsession to use. Now I have an amazing life.  I no longer see my addiction as a curse but I understand that I was blessed to have had that experience to have a life, I can always find peace with.  It required that I let go of everything including the way I always thought.  A journey like that has to come with some pain and hard work.

Armed with gratitude and humility

I’m grateful to both Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.  The many people who helped me along the way.  Most importantly, I grateful to the higher power of my understanding to bless me with a chance at life that only a desperate addict could appreciate in this way.   Surrenduring to My addiction saved me.

Thank you kind reader for taking the time to read this.  For more experience, strength and hope, read on.

 

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